Death is not DEATH

My heart is heavy. So many people we know are facing tragic circumstances and deep sadness. My heart breaks and grieves to know people I love are in great pain, and I long for adequate words to bless and encourage their hearts, but there are none.

I lay in bed last night talking to my Husband, praying for our friends and lamenting about how to make sense of these things that feel impossible to reconcile with our faith. We know that God is good, He loves us, and He always has a purpose for us; but in times like this can not understand how these circumstances are any of those things. My Husband fell asleep while I was talking and I was left alone with God. That's okay, He's the one I really needed to hear from anyway.

So I asked, "God, how in the world do you expect us to cope with these things? What perspective are we supposed to have, to be able to walk through times like this without crumbling? I know you care about life and death. Your ministry on earth was full of healing, even to the point of bringing people back to life after they had died. We saw that you grieved death yourself. So why is this your 'good and loving' plan for us? Even those who experience miraculous healing will still die eventually. We can't just keep asking you to heal us over and over. You can't save us from death."

Enter God. And His answer was made plain to me.

"Yes. I can. That is exactly what I have done."

Mental jaw drop. How have I not seen it this way before?

He already stepped in to save us from death. ETERNAL DEATH. If we could ever fully grasp the meaning of that; a true end to life, separation from God, from anything and anyone we love or find peace or joy in, absence of anything good, absence of light...if we knew that THIS DEATH WAS OUR FATE! Your fate. My fate. Every loved one's fate. If we were in a place of awareness that this is where we were headed until Jesus stepped in, and He said to us,

"Hey, I can save you from DEATH. You will still have to pass away from Earth, but you will never truly die. And when you leave Earth I have prepared a far better home for you, where everyone we love can be together without pain, sadness, evil, suffering, or any fear of another death, EVER,"

I think we would be willing to face a hundred earthly 'deaths' to be saved from that eternal one. Because death as we know it is not DEATH. And calling it that has probably just made it harder on us. Because that Jesus quote? He did say that. "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies. And whoever lives and believes in me will never die." John 11:25-26

That is the perspective we need to have to face these times without crumbling. Because it's the truth. And it's how we reconcile that God is who He says He is despite any trials we go through here. Because our prognosis before this was devastating. Hopeless. But now the extent of our sadness is missing those who pass away from Earth before us. It is still sad, and our circumstances can still be excruciatingly painful; but not hopeless. It is not the end of the story, because there is no end to the story. Just fullness of life and love, forever, in Heaven.

Press play. I dare you not to stand up, arms stretched to the sky, tears falling to the floor, heart filled with hope when you get to 2:44. Or is that just me :)

Oh, death! Where is your sting?

Oh, Hell! Where is your victory?

Oh, Church! Come stand in the light.

The glory of God has defeated the night!

Oh, death! Where is your sting?

Oh, Hell! Where is your victory?

Oh, Church! Come stand in the light.

Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's ALIVE!

Christ is Risen - Matt Maher

Now I have two questions for us leading out of this post. Because writing this made me realize that most people have a greater reverence and awareness of earthly death than eternal DEATH. So some food for thought:

1. If you found out there was a cure for death, would you share it with people? Would you tell everyone you know? Would you stop strangers to tell them, and save them from death? Would you run, yelling about it, down the street?
2. If you were told about a cure for death, knowing death is inevitable for you, is there any reason you would not believe it or accept it?

Makes me think about those guys on the street corner holding signs, trying to tell everyone they can about Jesus. They might just have the right idea...

No Greater Love

Ahhh God is so cool. Every once in a while I have one of these precious moments where in the inner workings of my mind God interrupts my thoughts and implants His own, and teaches me something that I truly did not know until then.

This was one of the most powerful pieces of evidence for me that God is real; when I noticed that some of the 'thoughts' in my head were not actually my own thoughts. When I have no good reason to think or know the things that are being spoken in my mind. When these thoughts convey a truth that I have not learned elsewhere. When these thoughts lead me in a direction opposite to the way that 'I' would like to go but end up being wiser decisions. When these thoughts speak contrary to my own feelings at the time, to encourage or motivate me onward when I am feeling weak and lost. When I feel 'something' telling me to do something that seems utterly ridiculous, but as I have come to believe that this may be the Lord speaking and I have tested the waters of actually obeying this 'voice' that seems so irrational at times, I have been astonished at how later on it all makes sense somehow, and the 'irrational' thing I was asked to do helps me or someone else in a way that I could not have anticipated; but God did.

Over the years since God called me to know Him, there have been occasions where He has... I am not even sure how to explain this... it's almost as though He answers a prayer that I have been meaning to pray, or should have prayed but didn't. A small example, years ago when I was working for the City I came down with a sudden severe flu and had to leave work early. I was delirious with fever and up all night on the bathroom floor, and ended up sleeping well into the next work day before I realized that I hadn't called in sick. My work environment was one that did not feel very compassionate or forgiving in these types of situations, and I was immediately in a panic thinking I was about to get fired for not showing up for work, and not calling in. I fumbled for my phone, still completely ill and nauseous, and noticed a voicemail from work. My stomach churned and adrenaline coursed through me while I waited for the message to play. Sure enough it was my Boss,  - "Hi Carly, I just wanted to call and tell you not to bother calling in this morning. I saw how sick you were yesterday and I don't expect you in today...get some rest and we'll see you when you're feeling better." Click. Wow. I was stunned! This kind of thing did not happen where I worked. Everything was policy, strictness, and unyielding expectations. Even at times in the face of reason. I fell down on the bed, heaved a huge sigh of relief, and lay in awe of God's graciousness, that He knew I would need that mercy even before I did. And even once I knew I had messed up, I didn't even stop to ask for it. Yet there He was, having gone ahead of me, preparing it in advance anyway.

Without taking away from my absolute gratitude to God in these kinds of situations, I usually have this feeling of regret in the back of my mind. I regret that I had not thought to pray for or about whatever the need was, or that I had not devoted myself to more sincere or serious prayer. I always think, "Oh how amazing a story would it be if I could say that I really invested in this issue, faithfully praying, furiously dedicated and determined to hold the expectation that the Lord would come through...and then when He DID - what GLORY that would be! What a powerful testimony of God's faithfulness I would be able to tell..."

This is pretty close to the musing that was going on in my mind today, as I reflected on the goodness God has lavished on me over the past few days. I was wishing I had been praying more for help, because as I saw how God WAS helping me, I wanted a story to tell of His great answer to prayer. Because I love those stories. They were powerful to me when I was discovering who God was, and I'm endlessly hopeful that they will continue to be powerful to others who hear them, especially those who don't yet know that God is a God like that! He is present, current, attentive, and knows you deeply whether you know Him or not, and is anxious to make Himself known, and to show us how real He is, how good, and how mighty.

So today, as I kicked myself for not being a better pray-er and regretted not having a great story to tell of God's faithfulness in answering my prayer...His sweet soft voice came into my mind, and said this:

"What you actually want is a story of YOUR great faithfulness." Oh, shoot. This can't be true. This is true. (See, I would not have said this to myself. I am not this humble). My wish is not that God had done something greater, it's that I had done something greater! What I am actually...sadly...regretting, is that I can not tell a story of my devotion, and my faithfulness, and my amazing prayer that was so good that the God of the Everything answered it. His response was perfect. He is always good. His help was timely and more than sufficient. I am not lamenting that God could have done more. I'm lamenting that I could have. And I am totally busted.

Then He said these words to me:

"There are no stories of your great faithfulness. You are not faithful. There are only stories of your great inadequacy and my great love for you." It is HIS great faithfulness that powerful stories are made of. And as much as some of that might sound harsh and demeaning to us, it is not! There is nothing more spectacular than being loved fully for who we are despite our failings and weaknesses. What a sad world if God were only unleashed through our accomplishments! And what tragedy, if God was only faithful when we were faithful; if God was only good when we earned it; if God only loved us when we were deserving. Rejoice, that is not the truth! God does not require a thing from us to be who He is. He does not expect us to work for His presence in our lives. In fact, I bet He wishes we'd quit trying. I bet He wishes we'd get over ourselves and all the things we're trying to be, and just rest in who He is. Then we would finally be who we are. Who we were made to be. And then His Spirit, everything good and pure and lovely, could flow through us, without our visions of who we 'should' be getting in the way.

Click here to segue to a blog I read earlier this week that started out this journey I've been on with God about who I want to be and who He made me to be. Reading these words gave me such peace that it's okay to just be who I am, without striving or comparing - check it out.

The truth is this:

"God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

Read that verse over, and really ruminate on what that means... It was not at all dependent on you.

C.H. Spurgeon, in a sermon delivered November 23, 1856 said this, (I've helped myself you out by dictionary.comming some of this old-school lingo Spurgeon uses that I didn't you might not understand. You'll find new-school lingo in [these]. Here goes.) "Let us for a moment consider what sort of sinners many of us have been [how much we really do suck sometimes], and then we shall see it was marvellous grace that Christ should die for men—not as penitents [people who feel or express remorse for their mistakes], but as sinners [people who are still smack in the middle of making a bunch of mistakes, and could care less to change]. Consider how many of us have been continual sinners. We have not sinned once, nor twice, but ten thousand times [can't seem to get it right]. Our life, however upright and moral it has been [people like you, and you consider yourself a good person], is stained by a succession of sins [but you still mess up from time to time]. If we have not revolted against God in the outward acts which proclaim the profligate [badass...can I say that on here?] to be a great sinner, yet [still] the thoughts of our heart and the words of our lips are swift witnesses against us [they sell us out] that we have continually transgressed [keep screwing up]."

What do you think? Should I be an official Spurgeon translator? :)

My point in sharing that quote is to get us to really absorb the reality of our sin; the hopelessness of our ability to do the right thing, all the time. Any of us. Only because knowing this makes Jesus's death all the more poignant - that even knowing the worst of humanity's filth, He hung on that cross in absolute love with us.

Though it's important to acknowledge at times, do not ever let your sight linger too long on the issue of your sin. God will shine light on it so you can see it and renounce it, and then walk with Him away from it. He will convict you but He will not condemn you. Staring at your sin will bring guilt and condemnation. Staring at Jesus will bring life and freedom. He does not save you as a charity, because you need it and He takes pity. He saves you because you are a cherished one. He wants you, and it is worth it to Him to get you back, whole and holy. He does not call to mind your transgressions, nor does He want you to dwell on them. He wants you to dwell in Him.

Bask in this love that we can not comprehend... The hardest part to understand, because it is so out of this world, is that there is nothing we can do to earn it. We do not need to earn it. It just is. We can not shake it. It is relentless. His love is the promise that never breaks. It's what promises are meant to be. It's why we are hurt when one is broken, because we know they are meant to be kept, forever.

So my prayers do not call God to action, His love does. My devotion does not inspire God's faithfulness, His love does. My behaviour does not earn me favour with Him, His love does.

It's all Him, and no me.

This is why His strength is made perfect in our weakness, (2 Corinthians 12:19) because when we finally know our weakness we are set free from striving. When we stop trying to accomplish anything apart from Him we can be swept up in the love of God that is everything we need, where we finally understand that who we are can only be completed in Him. It's not that we are weak and He is strong...it's that He is strong and we are His.

And suddenly words like this make sense, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

So when I say that God is faithful despite my inadequacies, this is not an insult to me. This is my glory to God! It's a testimony of God's great love and faithfulness, and my worth and value in Him. That He doesn't need me to be anything special in order to love me. But because He loves me, that makes me something special. If a great man of stature, wealth and fame loved a plain and lowly woman, all people on earth would look in awe and wonder what secret beauty this woman held that this great man could love her so completely. They would not wonder 'if', they would wonder 'what.' The fact that she is loved rules out the 'if'. Love places value on a person. And the greater the one who loves, the more valuable is made the beloved.

I am the beloved. You are the beloved. And the One who loves us is the greatest there ever was, is or will be. The most high God. The mighty King. Of stature, wealth and fame. Your beauty to Him is incomparable. And your value is unaffected by who you are, or what you've done. Your value is intrinsic because He placed it there when He formed you with His hands. He calls you beautiful. He proves you valuable. He made you, and when He lost you, He traded His life to get you back.

You are worth dying for. There is no greater Love than this.

Rosemary Chicken & White Beans

Slowcooker meal #2 was DELICIOUS! (I thought I would be doing 5 meals for the week, but it turns out that most of these slowcooker meals are lasting us for 2 dinners for the 3 of us, and 1-2 lunches for the toddler and me! Bonus.)

Ingredients:

6 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 tbsp oil

2 cans (30 oz total) navy beans, rinsed and drained

1 cup carrots, sliced

1/2 cup celery, sliced

2/3 cup Italian salad dressing

2 tsp dried rosemary

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp pepper (reduce slightly if you're not a fan of a strong pepper taste!)

Directions:

On medium heat, brown chicken breasts on both sides in oil (I used coconut, olive would be fine too).

 While the chicken is browning, rinse and drain beans and pour into slowcooker.

Chop up carrots and celery (I used 4 medium carrots and 3 celery stalks) and add to pot.

 Mix to combine.

Lay browned chicken (should be done by now, do not fully cook) over top of mixed beans and veggies.

In a small dish, combine salad dressing, rosemary, salt & pepper. Stir.

Pour dressing mixture over chicken. In the photo you'll see that I did not cover all the chicken with the dressing. I wouldn't do that again! The uncovered areas of the chicken were actually a little dry - not common for a slowcooker. Try to cover as much of the chicken as you can, and I think it will turn out better.

Slowcook on the low setting for 3-4 hours or until a meat thermometer reaches 170°.

Serve, and enjoy!

I had never had navy beans before, but now I am a total fan! They absorb flavour incredibly well, have a beautiful texture, and all of these great health benefits.

Hope you are enjoying these Summer meal ideas! Thanks for visiting :)

Carly

Slowcooker Chicken Fajitas

This was super quick and easy to make, and actually kind of fun! Shredding the chicken at the end was really satisfying. It was soft, moist and came apart just like pulled pork. Easier even!

As for taste, if you're not adding much to your fajitas besides this filling, I felt it came out a bit bland. I did take it easy on the chili powder so maybe using the full measure or even heaping the teaspoons would help. Or play around with your own go-to spices. Adding salsa or cheese to the fajita toppings would also help.

I made this for dinner last night as fajitas, but today we had it on sandwiches with mayo, lettuce and cheese and it was awesome like that too!

Ingredients:
4-5 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1 can kidney beans, drained & rinsed (~16oz)
1 can diced tomatoes, drained (~14oz, with mild green chilies if you can find it. I couldn't)
1 red pepper
1 green pepper
1 yellow pepper (all julienned)
1 medium onion, halved and sliced finely
2 tsp ground cumin
2 tsp chili powder
1 garlic clove, minced or pressed
1/4 tsp salt

Directions:

Place chicken in slowcooker. Cover with kidney beans.

Add diced tomatoes.

Julienne all 3 peppers and spread over top.

Halve and slice onions thinly, adding to the mixture.

Sprinkle spices over top.

 I use Himalayan Crystal Salt - read about it's many health benefits here.

Stir to combine, then cover and cook on low for 5-6 hours.

(I only had 4 hours so I did 2 hours on high then 2 hours on low and it worked great. Typically you can cut cooking time in half using high versus low heat, though low will marinate flavours better.)

4 hours later...

With 2 forks, shred/pull apart the chicken. (No need to remove chicken pre-shredding, should come apart easily while still in mixture).

Stir to combine all ingredients evenly.

Spoon onto 8" tortillas and top with your choice of tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, salsa, sour cream etc. - or leave plain.

Operation Summer Slowcooker Meal #1, complete!

My Best Friend

I never had a best friend. Now I know why. Jesus has always longed to fill that role. You will never have a more powerful relationship than the one that waits for you in God - your maker. No friend could ever lift you up or encourage you the way He can, no one can bring you joy like He does, and the perfect love we are all searching for is found ONLY with Him. But this God Friend is such a good best friend that He does not desire to be your only friend. He will send other friends around you to encourage you, bring you joy, and love you. Because these gifts are from Him, He can lavish them on you however and through whomever He choses!

Today I am utterly humbled and grateful for a few of those God-given friends who have blessed my heart in ways only my best friend Jesus would know I needed. So I thank you, and I praise Him.

What Do You Turn To?

I am feeling a little frazzled today. Partly due to the two cups of coffee that I should not have had (coffee always makes me jittery), and after an upsetting morning trying to comfort my inconsolable Son who got a second degree burn on his tiny little hand from grabbing my flat iron :( (Mommy SUPERfail), and then having to say goodbye to MY mom at the airport in the midst of all the jitters and inconsolableness... Yes, frazzled is the word for me today.

So after getting home and putting my boys to bed I sat in an unusually quiet house feeling no peace and all anxiousness. I am grateful that in this moment I realized my need for God and did not turn elsewhere.

God speaks the instant we are willing to listen. After a brief time of prayer and reading, He was already gently convicting me of turning to created things when I am in need - coffee (for energy & comfort), friends (for companionship & acceptance), food (for satisfaction & joy), self (for justification & ego), facebook (for attention & communication) - when it's Him, the Creator, who I really need for these things and more.

I don't feel and am not saying that any of these things are inherently bad, I just feel God is asking me to come to Him first and foremost to meet my needs, and then enjoy these other things within that as gifts from Him.

So this week, as an effort to obey what I feel I've been told, I will be reading my bible daily whenever I notice the urge to turn to something or someone else. And I will be posting on Twitter or Facebook the verses that God highlights to me in these times, to hopefully be a blessing to you too :)

If you don't see some scripture posted from me during a day, please feel free to hold me accountable to this!

Today's verse:

"The Lord always keeps His promises; He is gracious in all He does. The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads."
~Psalm 145:13-14

Coconut Whipped Cream

So today (and all week actually), I have been fighting off a ton of sugar cravings. Almost every day I have ended up on google at some point browsing desserts I could make and about to totally blow my healthier eating plan. I am actually shocked I have not given in and I know I can only credit God and thank friends who have been praying for me.


A few months ago I heard a paradigm changing truth in a documentary called "Hungry For Change" that God has firmly planted in my mind and brings up often. Paraphrasing, it said to stop trying not to eat bad foods and just start incorporating as much good food as you can...eventually the good will crowd out the bad. So tonight, after successfully denying myself the iced capp that I had already left the house for, I decided instead to go grocery shopping and put together a healthy dinner for my family. I fought a victorious battle in the grocery store where my willpower was repeatedly and ruthlessly assaulted (is it just me, or has the candy aisle mysteriously distributed itself all over the entire store? Can't seem to walk more than 6 steps without running into another stand of chocolate bars and bags of junk food). I survived and went home to barbecue salmon and grill some carrots and yellow peppers. I was so inspired after enjoying such a great meal that was also great FOR us, that I decided to treat us to a dessert that we could feel equally good about, and hopefully by adding in all this good food I would crowd out some of the less than healthy cravings I've been experiencing. So here is what I made - and let me tell you, desserts taste so much better when you leave out the guilt!


Strawberries with Coconut Whipped Cream

Ingredients:
1 can of full fat coconut milk (chilled)
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp of cinnamon


Directions:
1) Plan ahead and chill the coconut milk in the fridge overnight. I tried to short cut by putting it in the freezer for 15 mins and it did not whip up as nicely.
2) Chill a mixing bowl and beaters in the freezer for a few minutes while you get ingredients together.

3) Scoop the thick cream at the top of the coconut milk into the mixing bowl. (The water at the bottom can be saved to drink, blend into a smoothie, or steam veggies with).

4) Mix with a whisk (electric is best) for a few minutes until it thickens and fluffs up.

5) Add in vanilla and cinnamon, or any other flavor enhancers you choose - I actually whipped in some cream cheese at this point because it was not thickening as much as I like.

6) Scoop onto fruit of your choice, and enjoy your yummy, guilt free (and also dairy-free and sugar-free) dessert!

Just Love.

This was a Facebook status gone long, so I think it belongs here. I didn't think I had much to say but every once in a while when I allow the mouth of my heart (there is such a thing you know!) to open, stuff just starts flowing out uncontrollably and I realize God might have some stuff to say in and through me. At least I hope it's Him. I get embarrassed at how long-winded I can become, if that' a problem for you you should stop reading now. Get out while you still can! :) Someone I used to work with who didn't like me called me long-winded once and I have not yet been able to let go of the insecurity that gave me about speaking or writing my thoughts. But I try not to let it stifle me too much in case the Lord is trying to use me. I'm okay with being disliked for His sake! 

Moving on...

God is at work in my heart. Every day I am noticing more and more how my emotions are all bubbling to the surface. I notice it every time I tear up at a song, news story, church service or TV commercial, and how many times I've opened the fridge with some kind of craving then realized the hunger or emptiness I am feeling is not physical. It's in my heart. It feels broken right now but I know that's just His hand in there working on things. I don't mean broken in a sad way, I mean broken in a way that is expanding my capacity to see through God's eyes and care about what He cares about. To have compassion and concern for people in this world. Our families, friends, strangers...and even ourselves. A lot of my past has been coming up for me lately, it seems like every so often I have to review it again, hurt for it again, accept His grace and healing again, and then close it again. I am okay with this, knowing how it ends, but it is exhausting. It's been difficult being in a new place without the comfort of home and dearly loved friends. I'm feeling displaced and lonely, and find myself wondering what God wants to do with me here. The thing I keep feeling like He is revealing to me is this: Just love.

I am humbled by how deeply I am loved. By God, my Husband, and some others (not saying everyone loves me!) But I know I'm so undeserving and it makes me uncomfortable at times. Tonight my Husband, for some reason I can't remember, spent a really long time telling me all about why he loves me and who I am in his eyes. I love how some of his lovey dovey talk included (sorry babe I'm gonna have to try and paraphrase you here, but it's 1:39am and well...you can correct me tomorrow) but it was something like this "Even when you're being ridiculous or acting crazy or I don't like something you're saying and you make me furious (super sweet right? :), I know without a doubt that when you and I were born, God was already planning our marriage, and He already knew these things. And so because you're mine, the one He made and loves and chose out of this world for me, I love you. Even then. Because I choose to love you." I sometimes wonder if this man is actually an angel God sent to earth just to care for my heart. The way he sees me and loves me is hard for me to comprehend or even accept at times. Second only to the way he sees and loves God. 

So getting to my point, part of my emotional excavating lately has included realizing the burden of love that I carry. I am sometimes hesitant to show people how deeply I love them, because I think it will freak them out just like it freaks me out :) And also because of times when I have held out this kind of love and been hurt or rejected. I am not saying I am good at loving everyone because I'm not. But I do find very often God lets me see others through His eyes and the love I feel for them is almost overwhelming. Even some that are hardly more than strangers. I think this is weird, and I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo so I try to act normal instead of loving with the extravagance that I feel comes more naturally. But the truth is, the more I try to act like who I think I should be instead of who I am, the less normal and natural I am. God is calling me up to this extravagant love. I know He has given me a depth of affection and compassion for people and I have to let that be His to use through me. I can't keep deciding when it's appropriate to show and when it's not. Or who I should love and who I shouldn't. Or who will believe it's sincere, and who will think I am fake. Or, more importantly, who will love me back. It's His love to give, it's His love that changes me, and it's His love that will change the world. I realize too that as I freely love others, it becomes easier to freely love myself. Because I don't have to judge the version of me that I'm trying to invent...I just get to love the authentic me that God made. Longwindedness, extravagant loveyness and all :) 

If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Gotta Get Out Of The Boat!

I just came on to put some thoughts down in my blog, and found this draft that I had started back in February. Clearly life got a little hectic and I had forgotten all about it! But it's still one I want to have written, as it is quite the life update!

My maternity leave was set to end in March, and all year I had been praying and questioning what to do. I realize now that I knew in my heart all along that I could not return to work. I had a great job for 6 years, working for the City, but I had long struggled with the feeling that it was not what I was 'meant' to do. There was no purpose or passion in it for me. Just a paycheque. I had prayed often for God to lead me away into something else, but as many times as I tried to pursue other things I didn't ever feel Him allowing me to fully open the door, and most important to me is that I be doing what He has called me to. I bought a book years ago when I was so hoping God would bring a career change into my life. It's called, "If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Gotta Get Out Of The Boat!" LOVE IT! (Which by the way, I have an extra copy of...so if you are interested in reading it leave a comment below and one lucky person will get it for their very own!) I so wanted to be called out of my boat! But as hard as I tried to find something to step out into, to test the boundaries of my comfort zone, God did not Himself call me. So I stayed. Disappointedly.

And then I had my Son. And I realized that I had actually always known that this is in fact what I had been made for and always deeply wanted. I didn't need a different job, I needed to leave my job altogether! I wanted to be a Wife and Mommy, and spend my days and nights pouring my life, love and energy into the people God has blessed my life with. Feeding and caring for a man who is willing to spend his body working hard to provide the material needs of our family. Raising children to know God and love others, to value family and know how incredibly valuable they are IN our family. I spent months in hesitant prayer, knowing what I wanted to ask but afraid that my request was selfish. Afraid that I was being lazy by not wanting to go back to work, and just liked the idea of 'staying home.' One day while sitting in my rocking chair with my sleeping baby in my arms, I quietly asked God for HIS plan for me. I realized in that moment that I had to be completely willing to hear and obey even if God's will was not what I was hoping for. And I was. But God in His unending graciousness showed me that in fact, these desires of mine were those that He built into me. That it was not selfish to want to raise my children with my own hands, my own words, my own instruction, following His leadership. In fact, it was my responsibility. And that in actuality, working 8:30-4:30 with mandated breaks and lunches and time alone driving and getting dressed up, having adult company and many friends around every day and feeling the satisfaction of accomplishing so much in a day at work - those things were easier in a lot of ways than what I was doing at home. (I still remember the first time I was really sick while home with my Son, and realized there would be no 'sick day' for me, and no reinforcements to come to my rescue. Scary!) So feeling the peace of God's permission, I made the decision to resign from my job. I actually relished the feeling of knowing I was about to quit, and also the act of doing so - what liberation! FINALLY I got my chance to step out of the boat! It was a real eye opener to me how much I trusted in the security of that job. The regular filling of my bank account, the seniority, the vacation pay, the benefits, the pension. People thought I was absolutely crazy for leaving, and I LOVED that! I heard once that it's a sure sign you are following God when the world thinks you are being foolish. So I was overjoyed at the opportunity to be a fool for Jesus! I KNOW without a doubt that He is all the security I will ever need. I don't want to love the safe cozy boat. I want to love walking on water.

The crazy thing about water walking is that once you get over the fear of stepping out, God actually does meet you in your needs, and makes it all possible. Eventually you don't even know why you thought walking on water would be hard. It feels as solid as any other ground, because He holds you up. We were unsure of how we could manage this situation financially, and God led my Husband to a new job opportunity in his hometown, which he had been praying about for years. Though a big move for me, I understood that the decision I made would involve sacrifices, and truth be told I would sacrifice more. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time any more on work that is of no consequence. There are no menial tasks. It all matters. I love that my days are so REAL now, full of constant conversation with God as I depend on Him to help me do a good job loving and caring for my Husband and Son. And I am able to work on bringing my life into balance now, with faith and relationships and health... More on that later :)

Anyhow, I'm sort of out of things to say (for this post!) I probably would have said more at the time that I intended to write this because it felt like a HUGE and daunting decision to make at the time, but it all just feels so right now. It's no big deal, just the way things are meant to be (for us), and I thank God every day, multiple times a day, that He has given me this job in the world.

While trying to discern what to do about my job, my Husband and I were reading the book "Real Marriage" by Mark & Grace Driscoll and came accross this quote that encouraged me immensely.

"And if your wife is going to work outside the home when the children are small, you must account for all the costs financially and practically. Will all the increases costs for Mom working (another car, eating out, cell phone, day care, increased tax bracket etc.) really be worth it? Will the quality of child care anyone else provides rise to the level that comes from a godly mother in the daily life of her child(ren)? Would it be wiser to downsize your lifestyle than downsize the care of your child?"

To this my spirit cries out with a hearty - "YES!"

*I feel the need to disclaim that I am not suggesting this is the answer for everyone. But it is most definitely the purpose God has put in my life, and that is all I can speak about :) *

Honey Oat Bread

Once you see how much better homemade bread tastes, how much healthier it is for you, and how inexpensive it is compared to even the cheapest loaves at the supermarket, you will likely want to make most of your bread at home.

So, since I started making bread, I have been on the lookout for an 'everyday' recipe that I can use to make the majority of our bread supply. I was looking for something that was quick and easy, low in sugar, cheap and yielded multiple loaves so I didn't have to bake it as often.

I think this Honey Oat Bread is it! I love that it uses honey rather than sugar, it yields 2 loaves so I can freeze one for later, and it works out to less than $2 per loaf. Win!

Here's the recipe :)

HONEY OAT BREAD

Yields: 2 loaves
Prep time: 2 hours 20 minutes (including rising time)

Ingredients:
5-6 ½ cups all-purpose flour
1 cup quick-cooking oats
2 tsp salt
2 pkgs or 4 ½ tsp active dry yeast
1 ½ cups water
½ cup honey
½ cup butter or ½ cup margarine
2 eggs
1 tbsp water
1 egg white
oatmeal to top

Directions:
1. Using dough hook, mix 5 cups flour, oats, salt, and yeast in bowl for 30 seconds on speed 2.

2. In saucepan, combine water, honey, and butter and heat to 120°F - 130°F.

3. Slowly add warm liquids to flour mixture, mixing for about 1 minute on speed 2.

4. Add eggs; mix for 1 minute.

5. Begin adding remaining flour, 1/2 cup at a time, until dough clings to hook and cleans sides of bowl, about 3 minutes.

6. Knead on speed 2 for 7-10 minutes or until dough is smooth and elastic.

7. Place in greased bowl, turning to grease top. Then cover and let rise in warm place until doubled, about 1 hour.

8. Punch dough down and divide dough in half, shaping each half into a loaf.

9. Place each loaf into a greased 8 1/2" x 4 1/2" bread pan. Cover and let rise in warm place until doubled, about 1 hour.

10. Combine 1 tbsp water and egg white and brush tops of loaves with mixture before sprinkling with oatmeal.

11. Bake at 375°F for 40 minutes.

12. Remove from pans and cool on wire racks.

Loving the YOU God Made

I was born blonde. As a little girl I had white blonde hair that I remember got lots of comments and attention. When I was around 10 or 11 it started getting darker and I remember feeling like it wasn't 'me' and by 13 I was getting my Mom to streak blonde back into my hair via a box of colour from the store. It really didn't go well, and by 16 I was paying for professionals to restore the blonde that I somehow felt was my proper identity.

The lie there is that our identities are not supposed to come from our hair, they're supposed to come from God; from the fact that He created us each individually out of love and with a perfect and intentional plan for us, and when He was done He said, "It is good." And the fact that when we went astray and humanity for the most part stopped including our maker in our daily lives and got so bogged down in sin and selfishness that we were lost and closer to the side of destruction than the side of holiness, God still saw so much value in us that He devised a plan that sent His beloved Son to earth to suffer a persecution and death that would carry all the weight of humanity's disobedience and the utter separation from God that was our just punishment. But Jesus, being God, did not remain in Hell as we would have; but broke through it and opened a way to Heaven for all of us who would surrender to the truth that we had fallen away from our loving Creator, and needed a Saviour to bring us back. THAT is how we know our worth and our identity - because God proved it. We are His.

So fast forward 10 years, and I have been mostly all blonde since I was 18, only seeing glimpses of my natural colour as my roots grew in, signalling that it was time for me to go 'fix' them.

Now I know many people dye their hair and for many women it's just like accessorizing or trying on different clothes, but for me it was trying to fix something about myself that I didn't like and thought was wrong. And for many years as I struggled with weight I subconsciously felt, "well at least my hair is nice." As though it somehow made up for the rest of me being so disgusting (horrible self talk - it's hard even to type, but it's how I felt. No wonder God has been working this out of me! I praise Him!)

So every once in a while I have an urge to see what it would be like to have my natural colour back. The urge is fleeting though, and soon the same old thoughts fill back in and the idea is quickly shut down. Last week however, something different happened.

As a new Mom staying home with my Son and on a greatly reduced income because of the inconsistency of my Husband's profession, God has been leading me to pursue whatever saving and stretching of our family's dollars I can find. We've been cutting unnecessary services, actively couponing, selling unused items, driving less, no longer eating out etc. So it became hard to justify my $100+ trips to the salon every 2-3 months. As I considered going back to my natural hair colour to save money, I started looking back through old photos to see if I could find any with my natural colour. But what I mostly found were photos of me as a blonde, and on top of it, photos where I was thinner and spending way more time on my hair, makeup and clothing than I do currently. Immediately my mind was being assaulted with horrible thoughts about myself and how I look now, feeling completely discouraged about my weight and being told that I would never look better or feel healthier than this. That, folks, is full on spiritual attack from the Father of Lies, Satan, the Accuser. If you suffer thoughts like this, know they are not your own and you do NOT need to believe them. So after having a good cry and talking it out with my Husband and praying, God revealed this scripture to us, "Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." (1 Peter 3:3-4 NLT) Don't you just love the simplicity of that!? I heard the truth and it set me free. I realized that the best and only way to stand up and fight this was to go for it - ditch the blonde that was somehow telling me I needed it, and allow my natural, God-given hair colour to grow out. And to spend more time allowing God to infuse my spirit with His beauty than I do on my hair. The more I thought of it, the more excited I got. I loved knowing a way to finally have victory over this feeling!

So yesterday I went through with it, and I have to tell you it was so anticlimactic! I thought I would be nervous and indecisive (that would be me), but instead I was confident, joyful and at peace (that would be God). It's going to be a 2 step process, it will get a little darker than this, but I am so happy with it! It feels like 'me', looks natural, and makes me incredibly stoked that God is teaching me to LOVE myself the way HE made me, not the ways I might wish I am. The truth is, His way is, and will ALWAYS be, the best way.

Here's a photo of me before I left for my hair appointment, and some shots of it after. I'm blogging from my phone (yeah, I know) so not sure if they'll show up in the right order, but I trust you to figure it out :)

Do I win for longest ever post about hair!? Haha.

Cinnamon Swirl Bread

The longer I spend as a Wife and Mommy, the more love I have for all things home-making. I have been experimenting with bread making lately and have fallen in love with the smell of yeast and the feeling of kneading dough by hand! It may seem daunting but trust me, it's the simplest way to do it and so much more satisfying than paying $4+ for a loaf! Until recently, I don't think it had ever occurred to me that you could make bread without a bread machine. Now I would never want one - it would take all the enjoyment out of bread making for me! Part of my journey to simplicity includes realizing that not everything marketed as making our lives easier actually does. For one, bread machines cost money I don't have. Two, I hardly have enough kitchen storage for all the gadgets I already own. Three, who needs more appliances to clean!? When I'm done baking bread I have a bowl to wash and a counter to wipe and then it's on to more enjoyable things! Like sharing this recipe with you!

This bread is delicious warm out of the oven or toasted. We made ours into French Toast right away and it was ammaaazing!!

CINNAMON SWIRL BREAD

Yield: 1 loaf

Prep Time: 2 hours including rising time

Cook Time: 45 min

Ingredients:
DOUGH:
1 tbsp butter
1/2 cup milk
2 tbsp white sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
2 1/4 tsp active dry yeast
3/4 cup warm-hot water
3 cups all-purpose flour, divided
SWIRL:
2 tbsp butter, softened
2 tbsp white sugar
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp cinnamon

Raisins-optional*

Directions:
1. In a microwavable bowl, heat butter and milk until butter is melted.

2. In a large bowl or mixer, stir sugar, salt and cinnamon. Pour warm butter/milk mixture into the bowl; stir until well combined.

3. In a small bowl, mix yeast and warm water until yeast is dissolved; add to the bowl of ingredients and stir.

4. Mix in 2 1/2 cups flour. Turn out dough onto a floured board (dough will be sticky). Sprinkle remaining 1/2 cup of flour onto the dough and knead until the dough is soft and smooth (4 to 5 minutes). Add additional sprinkles of flour, if needed. (If using dough hook in mixer, knead on setting '2' for 4 to 5 minutes and then turn out onto floured board to knead until dough is no longer sticky- a minute or so).

5. Put dough into a greased bowl; turn the dough over so the top of the dough is greased too. Cover with a clean dish towel and let rise in a warm place for about 60 minutes, or until doubled in size (A good warm place is in the oven - turn to 400 F for one minute then turn off and place bowl of dough on middle rack, leaving oven light OFF.)

6. Punch down the dough in the bowl with your fist. Turn dough onto a floured surface and knead for about 1 minute, adding flour as needed to reduce stickiness. Roll dough out into a rectangle.

7. Spread 2 tablespoons softened butter on the surface of the rolled out dough. In a small bowl, mix white sugar, brown sugar and cinnamon. Sprinkle this mixture on top of the butter. If adding raisins, scatter desired amount over surface. Roll up dough and form into a loaf.

8. Place into a buttered 5x9-inch bread pan, seam side down. Cover with a clean dish towel and let rise in a warm place until doubled in size, about 30 minutes.

9. Preheat oven to 375 F.

10. Score risen dough in the pan by cutting 3 slashes diagonally across the top of the loaf with a sharp knife. Bake bread for 35 to 40 minutes, or until golden brown.

11. Turn out bread onto a wire rack and let cool.

*To make into French Toast, mix 2 eggs with 2 tbsp milk and 1 tsp vanilla. Coat 1/2 inch slices of Cinnamon Swirl Bread in egg mixture and fry in a light amount of butter until golden brown. Dust with icing sugar to make it fancy :)

Do you have a favourite bread recipe? I would love to hear it!

New Direction - many changes to come :)

When I started this blog it was because I felt that God wanted me to share about the eating disorder I have been battling, because of the shame and secrecy that had shrouded it, to bring it into the light and pursue honesty and healing and hopefully even help someone else along the way. That was almost two years ago, and God still has me on a journey of hope and healing that I will be continuing to share. But lately I have been exploring so many new sides of myself, and feeling a yearning to share and record my experiences. Things as simple as new recipes I'm trying, ways I'm finding to save money for my family, and more complex topics such as what I'm learning about Motherhood, and where God is leading me in life. I kept thinking that I would love to blog about some of the things I'm learning and doing, but in my head I've been struggling with how I would do it; did I need to start a whole new blog since this one I currently have is about my eating disorder? And also, my Husband and I wanted to start a blog to share family photos and stories with friends and family (always looking for a way to kick the Facebook habit!), so what did that mean? Would I need THREE blogs!? Through all this ridiculous OCD thinking God spoke to me about my tendency to be a perfectionist and affinity to having things 'a certain way.' I'm realizing more and more that this is not how I want to be, and I am learning a lot about the value of simplicity (MUCH more to come on this topic soon...) God also showed me that I have tended to compartmentalize the struggles in my life (ie: my eating disorder). For the most part, I put on a happy, 'all-together' face, and go about my life as best I can, and only talk about my struggles in certain environments when it seems 'appropriate,' such as with my counsellor, at prayer groups, and in deep conversation with close friends. So of course it made sense to me that my 'Eating Disorder Blog' should not intermingle with any sort of 'Real Life Blog' that I might begin! Through this I realized it was time to adapt THIS blog into my 'Real Life Blog.' Of course I am only one person, and any blogging about my life should be able to be contained in one blog. It's good practice for me to step back from trying to overcomplicate something and just choose the route of simplicity. So instead of sitting here with negative self-defeating thoughts about how disorganized it's all going to be, I'm reminding myself that this blog is about ME. And I am not a clean cut, one dimensional perfect person. I am a mess of joys and insecurities, talents, passions and struggles. And so will be my blog.

"Live to Shine" is a reminder to me that everything I do, I do to the glory of God. Anything good about me points to the Father, and I pray that my life would be a living testimony of His power and beauty. "So let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and praise your Father in Heaven." (Matthew 5:16)