I am feeling a little frazzled today. Partly due to the two cups of coffee that I should not have had (coffee always makes me jittery), and after an upsetting morning trying to comfort my inconsolable Son who got a second degree burn on his tiny little hand from grabbing my flat iron :( (Mommy SUPERfail), and then having to say goodbye to MY mom at the airport in the midst of all the jitters and inconsolableness... Yes, frazzled is the word for me today.
So after getting home and putting my boys to bed I sat in an unusually quiet house feeling no peace and all anxiousness. I am grateful that in this moment I realized my need for God and did not turn elsewhere.
God speaks the instant we are willing to listen. After a brief time of prayer and reading, He was already gently convicting me of turning to created things when I am in need - coffee (for energy & comfort), friends (for companionship & acceptance), food (for satisfaction & joy), self (for justification & ego), facebook (for attention & communication) - when it's Him, the Creator, who I really need for these things and more.
I don't feel and am not saying that any of these things are inherently bad, I just feel God is asking me to come to Him first and foremost to meet my needs, and then enjoy these other things within that as gifts from Him.
So this week, as an effort to obey what I feel I've been told, I will be reading my bible daily whenever I notice the urge to turn to something or someone else. And I will be posting on Twitter or Facebook the verses that God highlights to me in these times, to hopefully be a blessing to you too :)
If you don't see some scripture posted from me during a day, please feel free to hold me accountable to this!
Today's verse:
"The Lord always keeps His promises; He is gracious in all He does. The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads."
~Psalm 145:13-14
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Coconut Whipped Cream
So today (and all week actually), I have been fighting off a ton of sugar cravings. Almost every day I have ended up on google at some point browsing desserts I could make and about to totally blow my healthier eating plan. I am actually shocked I have not given in and I know I can only credit God and thank friends who have been praying for me.
A few months ago I heard a paradigm changing truth in a documentary called "Hungry For Change" that God has firmly planted in my mind and brings up often. Paraphrasing, it said to stop trying not to eat bad foods and just start incorporating as much good food as you can...eventually the good will crowd out the bad. So tonight, after successfully denying myself the iced capp that I had already left the house for, I decided instead to go grocery shopping and put together a healthy dinner for my family. I fought a victorious battle in the grocery store where my willpower was repeatedly and ruthlessly assaulted (is it just me, or has the candy aisle mysteriously distributed itself all over the entire store? Can't seem to walk more than 6 steps without running into another stand of chocolate bars and bags of junk food). I survived and went home to barbecue salmon and grill some carrots and yellow peppers. I was so inspired after enjoying such a great meal that was also great FOR us, that I decided to treat us to a dessert that we could feel equally good about, and hopefully by adding in all this good food I would crowd out some of the less than healthy cravings I've been experiencing. So here is what I made - and let me tell you, desserts taste so much better when you leave out the guilt!
Strawberries with Coconut Whipped Cream
Ingredients:
1 can of full fat coconut milk (chilled)
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp of cinnamon
Directions:
1) Plan ahead and chill the coconut milk in the fridge overnight. I tried to short cut by putting it in the freezer for 15 mins and it did not whip up as nicely.
2) Chill a mixing bowl and beaters in the freezer for a few minutes while you get ingredients together.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Just Love.
This was a Facebook status gone long, so I
think it belongs here. I didn't think I had much to say but every once in a
while when I allow the mouth of my heart (there is such a thing you know!) to
open, stuff just starts flowing out uncontrollably and I realize God might have
some stuff to say in and through me. At least I hope it's Him. I get
embarrassed at how long-winded I can become, if that' a problem for you you
should stop reading now. Get out while you still can! :) Someone I used to work
with who didn't like me called me long-winded once and I have not yet been able
to let go of the insecurity that gave me about speaking or writing my thoughts.
But I try not to let it stifle me too much in case the Lord is trying to use
me. I'm okay with being disliked for His sake!
Moving on...
God is at work in my heart. Every day I am
noticing more and more how my emotions are all bubbling to the surface. I
notice it every time I tear up at a song, news story, church service or TV commercial, and how many
times I've opened the fridge with some kind of craving then realized the
hunger or emptiness I am feeling is not physical. It's in my heart. It feels
broken right now but I know that's just His hand in there working on things. I
don't mean broken in a sad way, I mean broken in a way that is expanding my
capacity to see through God's eyes and care about what He cares about. To have
compassion and concern for people in this world. Our families, friends,
strangers...and even ourselves. A lot of my past has been coming up for me
lately, it seems like every so often I have to review it again, hurt for it
again, accept His grace and healing again, and then close it again. I am okay
with this, knowing how it ends, but it is exhausting. It's been difficult being
in a new place without the comfort of home and dearly loved friends. I'm
feeling displaced and lonely, and find myself wondering what God wants to do
with me here. The thing I keep feeling like He is revealing to me is this: Just
love.
I am humbled by how deeply I am loved. By God,
my Husband, and some others (not saying everyone loves me!) But I know I'm so
undeserving and it makes me uncomfortable at times. Tonight my Husband, for
some reason I can't remember, spent a really long time telling me all about why
he loves me and who I am in his eyes. I love how some of his lovey dovey talk
included (sorry babe I'm gonna have to try and paraphrase you here, but it's
1:39am and well...you can correct me tomorrow) but it was something like this
"Even when you're being ridiculous or acting crazy or I don't like
something you're saying and you make me furious (super sweet right? :), I know
without a doubt that when you and I were born, God was already planning our
marriage, and He already knew these things. And so because you're mine, the one
He made and loves and chose out of this world for me, I love you. Even then.
Because I choose to love you." I sometimes wonder if this man is actually
an angel God sent to earth just to care for my heart. The way he sees me and
loves me is hard for me to comprehend or even accept at times. Second only to
the way he sees and loves God.
So getting to my point, part of my emotional excavating
lately has included realizing the burden of love that I carry. I am
sometimes hesitant to show people how deeply I love them, because I think it
will freak them out just like it freaks me out :) And also because of times
when I have held out this kind of love and been hurt or rejected. I am not
saying I am good at loving everyone because I'm not. But I do find very often
God lets me see others through His eyes and the love I feel for them is almost
overwhelming. Even some that are hardly more than strangers. I think this is
weird, and I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo so I try to act normal
instead of loving with the extravagance that I feel comes more naturally. But
the truth is, the more I try to act like who I think I should be instead of who
I am, the less normal and natural I am. God is calling me up to this
extravagant love. I know He has given me a depth of affection and compassion
for people and I have to let that be His to use through me. I can't keep
deciding when it's appropriate to show and when it's not. Or who I should love
and who I shouldn't. Or who will believe it's sincere, and who will think I am
fake. Or, more importantly, who will love me back. It's His love to give, it's His love that changes me, and it's His love
that will change the world. I realize too that as I freely love others, it
becomes easier to freely love myself. Because I don't have to judge the version
of me that I'm trying to invent...I just get to love the authentic me that God
made. Longwindedness, extravagant loveyness and all :)
If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Gotta Get Out Of The Boat!
I just came on to put some thoughts down in my blog, and found this draft that I had started back in February. Clearly life got a little hectic and I had forgotten all about it! But it's still one I want to have written, as it is quite the life update!
My maternity leave was set to end in March, and all year I had been praying and questioning what to do. I realize now that I knew in my heart all along that I could not return to work. I had a great job for 6 years, working for the City, but I had long struggled with the feeling that it was not what I was 'meant' to do. There was no purpose or passion in it for me. Just a paycheque. I had prayed often for God to lead me away into something else, but as many times as I tried to pursue other things I didn't ever feel Him allowing me to fully open the door, and most important to me is that I be doing what He has called me to. I bought a book years ago when I was so hoping God would bring a career change into my life. It's called, "If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Gotta Get Out Of The Boat!" LOVE IT! (Which by the way, I have an extra copy of...so if you are interested in reading it leave a comment below and one lucky person will get it for their very own!) I so wanted to be called out of my boat! But as hard as I tried to find something to step out into, to test the boundaries of my comfort zone, God did not Himself call me. So I stayed. Disappointedly.
And then I had my Son. And I realized that I had actually always known that this is in fact what I had been made for and always deeply wanted. I didn't need a different job, I needed to leave my job altogether! I wanted to be a Wife and Mommy, and spend my days and nights pouring my life, love and energy into the people God has blessed my life with. Feeding and caring for a man who is willing to spend his body working hard to provide the material needs of our family. Raising children to know God and love others, to value family and know how incredibly valuable they are IN our family. I spent months in hesitant prayer, knowing what I wanted to ask but afraid that my request was selfish. Afraid that I was being lazy by not wanting to go back to work, and just liked the idea of 'staying home.' One day while sitting in my rocking chair with my sleeping baby in my arms, I quietly asked God for HIS plan for me. I realized in that moment that I had to be completely willing to hear and obey even if God's will was not what I was hoping for. And I was. But God in His unending graciousness showed me that in fact, these desires of mine were those that He built into me. That it was not selfish to want to raise my children with my own hands, my own words, my own instruction, following His leadership. In fact, it was my responsibility. And that in actuality, working 8:30-4:30 with mandated breaks and lunches and time alone driving and getting dressed up, having adult company and many friends around every day and feeling the satisfaction of accomplishing so much in a day at work - those things were easier in a lot of ways than what I was doing at home. (I still remember the first time I was really sick while home with my Son, and realized there would be no 'sick day' for me, and no reinforcements to come to my rescue. Scary!) So feeling the peace of God's permission, I made the decision to resign from my job. I actually relished the feeling of knowing I was about to quit, and also the act of doing so - what liberation! FINALLY I got my chance to step out of the boat! It was a real eye opener to me how much I trusted in the security of that job. The regular filling of my bank account, the seniority, the vacation pay, the benefits, the pension. People thought I was absolutely crazy for leaving, and I LOVED that! I heard once that it's a sure sign you are following God when the world thinks you are being foolish. So I was overjoyed at the opportunity to be a fool for Jesus! I KNOW without a doubt that He is all the security I will ever need. I don't want to love the safe cozy boat. I want to love walking on water.
The crazy thing about water walking is that once you get over the fear of stepping out, God actually does meet you in your needs, and makes it all possible. Eventually you don't even know why you thought walking on water would be hard. It feels as solid as any other ground, because He holds you up. We were unsure of how we could manage this situation financially, and God led my Husband to a new job opportunity in his hometown, which he had been praying about for years. Though a big move for me, I understood that the decision I made would involve sacrifices, and truth be told I would sacrifice more. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time any more on work that is of no consequence. There are no menial tasks. It all matters. I love that my days are so REAL now, full of constant conversation with God as I depend on Him to help me do a good job loving and caring for my Husband and Son. And I am able to work on bringing my life into balance now, with faith and relationships and health... More on that later :)
Anyhow, I'm sort of out of things to say (for this post!) I probably would have said more at the time that I intended to write this because it felt like a HUGE and daunting decision to make at the time, but it all just feels so right now. It's no big deal, just the way things are meant to be (for us), and I thank God every day, multiple times a day, that He has given me this job in the world.
While trying to discern what to do about my job, my Husband and I were reading the book "Real Marriage" by Mark & Grace Driscoll and came accross this quote that encouraged me immensely.
"And if your wife is going to work outside the home when the children are small, you must account for all the costs financially and practically. Will all the increases costs for Mom working (another car, eating out, cell phone, day care, increased tax bracket etc.) really be worth it? Will the quality of child care anyone else provides rise to the level that comes from a godly mother in the daily life of her child(ren)? Would it be wiser to downsize your lifestyle than downsize the care of your child?"
To this my spirit cries out with a hearty - "YES!"
*I feel the need to disclaim that I am not suggesting this is the answer for everyone. But it is most definitely the purpose God has put in my life, and that is all I can speak about :) *
My maternity leave was set to end in March, and all year I had been praying and questioning what to do. I realize now that I knew in my heart all along that I could not return to work. I had a great job for 6 years, working for the City, but I had long struggled with the feeling that it was not what I was 'meant' to do. There was no purpose or passion in it for me. Just a paycheque. I had prayed often for God to lead me away into something else, but as many times as I tried to pursue other things I didn't ever feel Him allowing me to fully open the door, and most important to me is that I be doing what He has called me to. I bought a book years ago when I was so hoping God would bring a career change into my life. It's called, "If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Gotta Get Out Of The Boat!" LOVE IT! (Which by the way, I have an extra copy of...so if you are interested in reading it leave a comment below and one lucky person will get it for their very own!) I so wanted to be called out of my boat! But as hard as I tried to find something to step out into, to test the boundaries of my comfort zone, God did not Himself call me. So I stayed. Disappointedly.
And then I had my Son. And I realized that I had actually always known that this is in fact what I had been made for and always deeply wanted. I didn't need a different job, I needed to leave my job altogether! I wanted to be a Wife and Mommy, and spend my days and nights pouring my life, love and energy into the people God has blessed my life with. Feeding and caring for a man who is willing to spend his body working hard to provide the material needs of our family. Raising children to know God and love others, to value family and know how incredibly valuable they are IN our family. I spent months in hesitant prayer, knowing what I wanted to ask but afraid that my request was selfish. Afraid that I was being lazy by not wanting to go back to work, and just liked the idea of 'staying home.' One day while sitting in my rocking chair with my sleeping baby in my arms, I quietly asked God for HIS plan for me. I realized in that moment that I had to be completely willing to hear and obey even if God's will was not what I was hoping for. And I was. But God in His unending graciousness showed me that in fact, these desires of mine were those that He built into me. That it was not selfish to want to raise my children with my own hands, my own words, my own instruction, following His leadership. In fact, it was my responsibility. And that in actuality, working 8:30-4:30 with mandated breaks and lunches and time alone driving and getting dressed up, having adult company and many friends around every day and feeling the satisfaction of accomplishing so much in a day at work - those things were easier in a lot of ways than what I was doing at home. (I still remember the first time I was really sick while home with my Son, and realized there would be no 'sick day' for me, and no reinforcements to come to my rescue. Scary!) So feeling the peace of God's permission, I made the decision to resign from my job. I actually relished the feeling of knowing I was about to quit, and also the act of doing so - what liberation! FINALLY I got my chance to step out of the boat! It was a real eye opener to me how much I trusted in the security of that job. The regular filling of my bank account, the seniority, the vacation pay, the benefits, the pension. People thought I was absolutely crazy for leaving, and I LOVED that! I heard once that it's a sure sign you are following God when the world thinks you are being foolish. So I was overjoyed at the opportunity to be a fool for Jesus! I KNOW without a doubt that He is all the security I will ever need. I don't want to love the safe cozy boat. I want to love walking on water.
The crazy thing about water walking is that once you get over the fear of stepping out, God actually does meet you in your needs, and makes it all possible. Eventually you don't even know why you thought walking on water would be hard. It feels as solid as any other ground, because He holds you up. We were unsure of how we could manage this situation financially, and God led my Husband to a new job opportunity in his hometown, which he had been praying about for years. Though a big move for me, I understood that the decision I made would involve sacrifices, and truth be told I would sacrifice more. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time any more on work that is of no consequence. There are no menial tasks. It all matters. I love that my days are so REAL now, full of constant conversation with God as I depend on Him to help me do a good job loving and caring for my Husband and Son. And I am able to work on bringing my life into balance now, with faith and relationships and health... More on that later :)
Anyhow, I'm sort of out of things to say (for this post!) I probably would have said more at the time that I intended to write this because it felt like a HUGE and daunting decision to make at the time, but it all just feels so right now. It's no big deal, just the way things are meant to be (for us), and I thank God every day, multiple times a day, that He has given me this job in the world.
While trying to discern what to do about my job, my Husband and I were reading the book "Real Marriage" by Mark & Grace Driscoll and came accross this quote that encouraged me immensely.
"And if your wife is going to work outside the home when the children are small, you must account for all the costs financially and practically. Will all the increases costs for Mom working (another car, eating out, cell phone, day care, increased tax bracket etc.) really be worth it? Will the quality of child care anyone else provides rise to the level that comes from a godly mother in the daily life of her child(ren)? Would it be wiser to downsize your lifestyle than downsize the care of your child?"
To this my spirit cries out with a hearty - "YES!"
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