Detours and Miracles

Tonight I found myself alone in a quiet home, and prompted to spend some time with the Lord. I sat down with some books I have been reading and picked up the first, called 'Fit for my King.' It's a book by Sheri Rose Shepherd about the battle of eating disorders and self image, and how to see ourselves through the love of God and live a life to glorify Him. This is my ultimate goal - to glorify Him! As I was reading this book, I kept seeing the suggestion to write down my thoughts and feelings, to share my 'truth' with God instead of turning to worldly comforts. Through this, God reminded me of this blog which I began over a year ago and have not written in since, and I realized He was telling me that it's time to begin again.

The last blog post I wrote in March 2010 was an important one for me to get off my chest. I 'outed' myself in a lot of ways that terrified me, and it was cathartic to give myself the freedom to do that. While I was writing it I was supposed to be getting ready to carpool to a night of bowling with our young adults church group. Minutes after we needed to be walking out of the house my fingers were still madly flailing away at the keys trying to complete my thoughts. When I frantically hit send, knowing all that I had revealed that had been so long hidden, it felt like jumping off of a cliff. My heart was pounding and I was so nervous my mouth was pasty and dry and I was shaking a little. As we drove away from our house, I told my Husband that after confessing in the blog that I had snuck (stolen) snacks and food from friends' houses after school when I was young, I actually had a wave of paranoia that somehow now I would end up in jail over it! This fear stemmed from the power this shame and secrecy held over me even at that young age. I remember years where hearing a police siren sent adrenaline coursing through my veins as I was sure they were coming for me! I know now that this isn't the kind of behaviour that concerns police, but it concerns God. I also know now that what I was really robbing was my physical and emotional freedom and self-esteem.

After writing that post I received a lot of encouragement and also some spiritual attack. Many friends and aquaintances who read my blog responded so reassuirngly to me, telling me that they had experienced a similar struggle or knew someone who had - or just loving me and assuring me that I was safe sharing my feelings and they appreciated it. My Mom even called me to tell me she had read it and was so sorry that she hadn't known what I was going through, and wished she had been able to protect me. It was such a gift to hear these words, they brought healing to my heart. At the same time though, there is an enemy that seeks to destroy every good work in our lives and I definitely heard from him as well. I lost all motivation to continue writing, and even when I did try my thoughts felt muddled and unclear. I started feeling like I didn't have anything worth sharing, and people were judging me and would look down on me for revealing such a personal struggle. Over time the leading I had felt to share this journey faded, and eventually disappeared.

I am grateful that God has stirred this calling in my heart again. I do believe He has asked me to share this journey - if not for the benefit of anyone else, then just to allow me the therapy of working through it for myself and having a written record to refer back to when I forget how far I've come, and all that I've learned.

As I began to write this post tonight, I realized that a large reason this time passed so quickly for me is that within this last year I became pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy. My pregnancy was one of the greatest most obvious answers to prayer I have ever witnessed, and yet the story is one that I have only shared with a few close friends because it's also a story of some of my darkest most shameful sins that I do not feel I have the strength to face out loud. I have often suspected that God would ask me to share this story publicly, and tonight He has made it clear that it is time. This may be the most difficult thing I've ever had to write, but I am praying against the fear for I know the purpose of it is to testify of God's overwhelming goodness and grace, and the mercy we have been afforded through Jesus Christ.

In my early twenties, I had two abortions. I am tempted to get into long drawn out details here, but I feel my purpose would be to have room to describe these situations in a way that would paint a more understandable light on what I have done, and subdue the judgement I feel I deserve. But the utter reality is this: Sin is ugly, and the judgement we deserve is death. I am saved by Jesus, and only by God's grace I am forgiven. I struggle to this day with how God could forgive me, but I know He has. And I have no greater proof of that than the child who sleeps soundly beside me tonight. This is why I know He has asked me to share this story; So that you may know there is no ugliness in your life so terrible that Jesus Christ has not covered it with His own death. There is no realm of disobedience so shameful that God will not stand at the end of the driveway waiting for you to return home, repentant, to His loving arms.

When my Husband and I were dating, there was one night where I could sense that he wanted to tell me he loved me for the first time. I knew as soon as I met this man that I would marry him, and I felt a conviction that I could not let him take our relationship to that level without first being honest with him about my past. What I actually thought was that when I told him about the abortions he would not want to say he loved me, and I felt it only fair to give him a way out. Instead what happened was a divinely blessed moment between us. I confessed the shame of my past, and the relationships where first of all I had sinned, and second of all I had not been loved enough for a child to be wanted with me. The truth was that I have always longed for children, and would have welcomed them if I thought it was only up to me, even in these less than ideal circumstances. But both times felt forced into the decision because of a partner who was threatening and adament that it was not my choice as it was not only my child. Looking back, I wish I had known at that age what I know now, and felt the confidence to make the choice myself and not be pressured into doing something that I knew was wrong, and would have to live with for the rest of my life. But God has seen fit to use these dark spots in my life, and I have determined to let Him. And so it was, this night when I tearfully confessed my sins to my future-Husband, I did not find the rejection I anticipated, but instead heard of the similar devastation in his life, where twice he had a girlfriend abort a child of his without telling him - leaving us with eerily similar feelings from seeminly opposite situations. We had both lost children in a shameful way by someone elses decision, and now were both left with the ache and regret of the loss. It was a tragic and yet beautiful moment between us, one where I saw God already weaving grace into my shame...that He would use these matching scars to join us together and give us an understanding of eachother's deepest pain was beyond my comprehension of His mercy. But that is what He is teaching me; that His mercy is incomprehensible. In our greatest valiant effort we could never extend this kind of loving forgiveness to another, only by the power of Jesus Christ.

Fast forward two years from that night, to when my Husband and I had been married for six months. When we got married we made the decision not to use any birth control, and to trust God with giving us or not giving us children. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we knew that we would be honoured at any time God chose to bless us with them - especially because of the regret we both felt from our pasts. I had thought we would get pregnant very quickly, but as the months went by a fear began to grow that had been dormant for many years. "God, will you ever trust me with a life again?" "Jesus, can you forgive me?" "Will I ever be allowed to be a Mother, after what I've done?" In my soul I knew the punishment I deserved was even greater than this. One night while I was expressing my fears to my Husband, he said to me "I know, I understand," referring to the fact that he feels the same fears. I told him that I dont think he could understand exactly the same way though, because we were on different sides of the situation. Without meaning for his words to stab me the way they did, but just speaking in the matter of fact way he does, he said, "Well, I didn't KILL the babies...but..." His words pierced straight through my soul, and an anguish that I had been stifling for years ripped through my heart. I fell to the floor, and my body was racked with sobs...a primal howl that I could never recreate rose up out of my gut...I have never felt such suffocating grief. I needed to get as far from those words as I could. I pulled myself up and ran as far away in the house as I could...all the way down the hall into the farthest bedroom, grabbing frantically for my bible on the way, and through to the ensuite bathroom, slamming the door and slumping down on the floor in a heap of sheer devastation. I cried out to God on that floor...I wept for the babies I had not brought into the world, I sobbed my deepest apologies and regrets, and begged God to speak to me...to tell me how He felt about me now, and to tell me if I had lost the right to ever have a family of my own. With weak and trembling hands I picked up my bible and let it fall open on my lap. And the scripture God laid before me was so clear in response, it felt as though God reached His very hand down into that bathroom and held me, while speaking it to me Himself. The book was Ezekiel, and from chapter 36-37 God spoke every word straight to my heart. I don't have room to post both chapters, so please search it out yourself if you would like to see its entirety - but basically what it repeated over and over for 2 entire chapters is this: (This is God speaking to Israel, His chosen people, His child [me], some is quoted, some is paraphrased) .

The blessing and renewal of Israel (chapter 37)
"I am furious for the shame that has been brought upon you, you have been plundered and mocked, a desolate waste. Therefore this is my prophecy to you; I will cause your branches to shoot forth and bear fruit. I am for you, and I will turn to you, and you shall be tilled and sown. I will multiply men upon you, the cities shall be inhabited and the ruins rebuilt. They shall increase and bear young; I will make you inhabited as in former times, and do better for you than at your beginnings. Then you shall know that I am the LORD. Yes, I will cause men to walk on you, My people Israel; they shall take possession of you, and you shall be their inheritance; no more shall you bereave them of children.” Thus says the Lord GOD: “Because they say to you, ‘You devour men and bereave your nation of children,’ therefore you shall devour men no more, nor bereave your nation anymore,” says the Lord GOD. “Nor will I let you hear the taunts of the nations anymore, nor bear the reproach of the peoples anymore, nor shall you cause your nation to stumble anymore,” says the Lord God. I do not do this for your sake, but for My holy name’s sake, which you have profaned among the nations. And I will sanctify My great name, which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst; and the nations shall know that I am the LORD,” says the Lord GOD, “when I am hallowed in you before their eyes. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them. You shall be My people, and I will be your God. I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses.

The dry bones live (chapter 38)
This chapter tells a story of God prophesying over a valley of dry bones which have been slain, telling them to get up, as he breathes life into them, and live. It ends with "Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel. Then you shall know that I am the LORD, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves. I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the LORD, have spoken it and performed it,” says the LORD.”

I could never adequately explain all the meaning God laced these verses with for me. But most of all it just told me that God was pained for what I went through, that He could and had forgiven me and would give me the family I longed for one day. I praise you God for this miraculous answer to prayer!

One month later, a woman I work with told me that she had a dream that she was with me in my apartment, and there were doorways open to rooms, and on the doors were pictures of babies. When looking into these rooms though, there were no babies and the rooms were cold and dark. Her mother was there with us and kept saying to me 'You wouldn't put your baby in a cold dark room. It's time to get your room ready. Get your room ready." And in her dream, she realized what her mother meant was "You wouldnt' put your baby in a cold dark womb. It's time to get your womb ready. Get your womb ready." Obviously this meant a lot to me because of the vast emptiness I had caused my womb...cold and dark didnt begin to describe it. Immediately I realized God was telling me I had a part to play in preparing for the family He had promised, so I began taking prenatal vitamins and being careful about foods I ate and any medications I required. Two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant, and had in fact become pregnant on the exact night this woman had this dream. God had ensured that from the very moment our Son was conceived I was taking the very best care of him that I could. Oh what grace, it fills my eyes with tears just to type it. That after everything, God would not only answer my prayer, but answer it in such a beautifully undeniable way, that also shines of His eternal love for me...so undeserved, and yet so invincible. Thank you, Lord.

My son is now four months old, and his name means 'Given by God.'  Not a day goes by that I don't hold his cheek to mine in prayer, thanking God for His redemption and neverending goodness. What a gift you are, my Son. You will never understand the way God used you to heal your Mommy's heart.


I'm sorry to anyone who reads this whom I have shared half of this story with but not the whole truth. Please forgive me, and know I didnt intend to decieve anyone, I just was not ready to face the emotion of having it out in the open. What an amazing God we serve that He can use anything, even our sin, to bring light to this world and glory to His name. Tonight I realized this: at it's core, abortion is just an attempt to hide our sin. So I will not continue trying to hide this sin for the sake of my own pride, especially at the expense of concealing God's mercy in my life.

"For while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." He knew it all, and He did it anyway. There is nothing in your life that can seperate you from God's love and mercy - turn to Jesus, He knows it all already.

Thank you and WOW to anyone who stayed with me this long. I pray that God will use this for His purposes. To end, I will repeat these words that I wrote months ago as the Lord prepared my heart to be willing to take this step of obedience: "The parts of my past that I could hide in secrecy and shame are the same stories where, when shared, God's mercy and radical grace are undeniably exclaimed. To know that I can have no pride in the humility this brings...but can rest in the comfort of being loved by a God who's glory is MAGNIFIED, somehow, in the filth of my life...is AMAZING. And this is what brings me to my knees. And this is the GOSPEL of Jesus Christ."

Amen.