I have an eating disorder.

In March 2009, while attempting to complete a fitness 'Bootcamp' program that I paid a hefty amount for and had been trying to stick to for the 3 months prior, I started to notice some things in myself that I have never really consciously acknowledged before. I was on such a strict meal plan with Bootcamp, and if I messed up in any way I would become completely dejected and I would get into this kind of 'haze', where I would develop some intense food craving and would obsess over it until I satisfied it. As with most cravings, it was always some kind of junk food that is no good for you. And I was never just satisfied to eat a little bit of something, I always needed extreme amounts of things. Also, I always needed to hide that what I was buying was for myself, and I would never eat it in front of people. When the craving was for sweets I would go to the store, walk down the chocolate bar aisle and act like I was buying a bunch for my family or friends. I would go so far as to pretend I was on my phone and I would be having this fake conversation about what chocolate bars were there and then saying "oh yep they have that...how many do you want? And what does so and so want..." so that I could buy 5 or 6, or sometimes more, and not look like a freak. Or worse, so it wouldn't be obvious that this is why I was fat. Sometimes I would buy a whole list of things - chocolate, ice cream, candies...I would just see all of these things that my craving was compelling me to buy, and even though a part of me would be screaming out inside because I knew I didn't want to be eating this way, I could never find a strong enough part of myself to actually stop myself. The fear of judgement was constantly fueling me. I would do the same if I went through a drive through - pretend to be on the phone and ordering for someone else, or say things that would make it sound like the food was not for me; "Oh I dont know what kind of sauce she wanted with that..." etc. I would eat well as long as I was in front of people, and I would only eat junk food if I was alone at home or in my car. If I was bringing something in from the car I would try to hide it in something. I've put Blizzards in my purse or tucked choclate bars up my sleeve. Even though most times I had bought way more than a person could comfortably eat, I would force myself to keep eating long after I felt sick from it. Once the craving was satisifed I was angry that I had given in to it, but then it became a punishment to make myself keep eating, hoping that I would feel so sick I would never do it again.

I have so many stories like this, going back years and years - I remember being little and eating dry cake mix right out of the box, while I hid in the corner of the kitchen. Or raiding the snack shelves of my friends houses after school or while I was babysitting, knowing that I was basically stealing people's food, but I didn't know how to control myself. The absurd thing is that though I can remember all of these things now and know how abnormal that behaviour was, it was honestly not until this year that I really realized I had a problem beyond just 'lack of will power' like most people complain about.

I had an eating disorder.

All the classic signs were there, but for a few reasons I had missed it. One reason is that as a society we are more familiar with anorexia and bulimia, and the characteristic waif-like bodies that make these disorders obvious. We are so familiar that we will even use the word 'anorexic' just to describe someone who is thin, and may not even have an eating disorder. The hardest part for me in acknowledging that I actually had an eating disorder was the fact that I thought anyone I ever had to tell would think, 'Well you're sure not doing a very good job of it,' because I'm not skinny.

The other reason it took so long to admit to myself is that one of the characteristics of an eating disorder is the absolute shame and secrecy it breeds. It so desperately wants to be kept secret that somehow I managed to even hide it from myself. I am honestly baffled that this has been going on for so many years and I never saw it as more than a weight problem and a sweet tooth.

That is the biggest reason I have felt compelled to share my experience. Because I have realized that the more light I shine into this dark place in my life, the more I can heal and stop hiding and suffocating in shame. There is a part of me that feels like most people have never really 'known' me because I have felt hidden behind my weight, and I have been reserved in life because of the guilt and shame I carry around, and always assume that I am being judged by others as harshly as I am judged by myself.

I have been going through an eating disorder counselling & nutritional program since September 2009, and have been learning and experiencing so much that I think needs to be shared...for myself; to break the influence of secrecy, and for others; to share the path of healing I'm on and hopefully give you courage to pursue the same, if you know a similar struggle.

I have learned that an eating disorder is much more than just a battle with food. This is a battle that has attacked my soul, my spirit, my physical health, my emotional health, my relationships, my self esteem, and most importantly my quality of life, my joy and my faith. This disorder steals and kills and destroys, and I have now come to see it for the evil that it is. With God's grace and the Holy Spirit I am being led out of the depths of this disease that has claimed much of my life up until now.

I would like to go back and fill you in on the experiences I have had so far, but bear with me - it may take a while to catch up to where I am now.

Thank you for coming with me on this journey :)
God bless <3

A Single Step...

They say "The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." For the past month I have had a nagging feeling that God wanted me to begin sharing my story, past and present. I am not 100% sure what I am supposed to share, but I guess at some point I just have to sit down and start writing. So that's what I'm doing...taking that single step.

Since I was very young, 7 or 8 years old, I have 'struggled' with my weight. I was not actually overweight as a child, but some circumstances came about in my life that convinced me I was. I had some kind of fight with a friend at school and she and some other girls started calling me "fatso." I honestly don't remember if that happened one time or many, but it somehow cut me deeply enough to scar my self esteem, and from then on I believed I was obese and disgusting and needed to lose weight for people to like me. I had a grandmother who was overweight for most of my life, and I saw her attending Weight Watchers and losing weight, and I became convinced, at around 9 years old, that I needed to diet. I somehow talked my parents into taking me to Weight Watchers. I started becoming addicted to diets and fitness magazines and felt like I would never be happy and my life would never be good until I was thin. I never believed anyone who told me I was not fat and didn't have a problem. And over time, due to puberty and a depression that I suffered through in my teens, I actually did develop a weight problem, and that just made me feel all the more justifed, and all the more hopeless. I did not realize until recently that this weight problem is the result of the way I felt about myself, and not the other way around.

Obviously much has happened between then and now, but this story seems to be one that begins towards the end - now that I can look back at my life in the light of God's love. I lost and gained amounts of up to 60 pounds at a time. I moved to Australia and back, leaving me feeling like I had a strange sort of second life, but missed a couple years of my life here at home. I have been in and out of relationships, looking for love and acceptance though never offering those things to myself and never finding anyone capable of filling the voids I had developed. Though I am married now, to an incredible man who loves me truly and completely, there is still a healing needed deep in my own spirit, from years of hurting myself with my thoughts and beliefs. Woven in and throughout it all is the story of my soul's salvation - my love story with Jesus, and the undeniable ways He saved me then, and continues to save me now. But God doesn't just walk into our lives and magically make everything perfect. Instead, He walks in and asks us to follow Him so He can lead us out of our misery, along the path He has chosen for us, before we were even born. His path is the one that will heal our souls, no matter what our circumstances, because now we don't walk alone, and now it's not all hopeless. There is a reason, and a much greater purpose than just how things affect our own lives. I've heard it said that "We are but pencils in the hand of God, who wants to write a love letter to the world." So it's because of Him that I am on this journey, that I am healing and starting to put together the pieces of how I broke, and that I have decided to share it all with you...that maybe somehow He can heal you too, as we let His light shine into the darkness.

Dear God

This is for you.

May you lead me in what to share, and what not to share...

May you be glorified...

May you be lifted up, and draw all people to yourself...

May you be revealed as the Way, the Truth, and the Light...

May you use this honesty to break the power of shame in my life...

May you use my story to show others they are not alone, in their struggle nor in their life...

May your light cause the darkness to flee...

May you set the captives free!

AMEN <3