We are using a meal plan from Men's Health magazine that was just convenient because it includes simple breakfasts, lunches and snacks and then a recipe for each dinner, as well as providing a shopping list for the week (YES! This is a new favourite thing of mine - meal plans and shopping lists, and the way they combat the temptation to buy a bunch of things I shouldn't while at the grocery store). On day three of the fast, we ate our delicious and satisfying homemade dinner, and headed out to a friends place for a visit. On the way there I confessed to my Husband that I was struggling with a sugar craving, as I often do after eating a really healthy meal (spiritual attack?) and even more so after a few days of eating well (I think so). He suggested that we pray, and while he was praying for me he was talking about how these cravings are either from the enemy or from the flesh, but they are not from God. As He spoke I felt God so gently say, "Do you really choose me?" I tear up just typing this because of the impact of this question on my heart. Do I really choose God? I'd like to say I do, but when I turn to food for comfort or escape in times of emotional pain, is that me choosing God? If I'm just bored and restless, but instead of picking up my bible like I always wish I had more time to, or praying for all those people I've said I will, I search for something to eat instead, is that me choosing God? If food has been a struggle for me to the point that I have hidden it and lied about it, and even somehow felt that I was keeping it secret from the Lord, leaving Him completely out of this struggle as I often did, is that me choosing God? I say I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus is God - not was God, IS God - that He died on the cross, but did not stay dead, that He is actually alive and all powerful, having beat death for us so we can follow Him through that path into a life that lasts and is not filled with all the evil and horror of this life we find ourselves in now; with addictions and suffering, murder and hate, and so many struggles that are confined to this world but will not be in the next. If I keep choosing this addiction when I believe that Christ has set me free, that can not be choosing Him! I am choosing these chains. He cut them off me, but I have picked them back up and carry them along with myself willingly. This is CRAZY! So God filled my head with all this truth, as my Husband prayed for me (thank you Lord) and it has given me a new drive and determination to choose self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit, over addiction, which is a trap set by the devil to lead us into death.
The next thing my Husband said to me, that God used to profoundly alter my mindset about the choices I make, is this: "If God gave you this proposition, "You can either have unlimited Blizzards, every day for the rest of your life (okay I have a weakness and he knows it - but I knew exactly what was coming next), or you can wake up tomorrow and be thin and healthy", what would you choose?" I could almost have laughed out loud, if tears hadn't been stinging my eyes, because its comical that this would even be posed as a choice. There is no choice here, the answer is so blatantly clear. No contest! I want, and have always only ever wanted to be thin and healthy. Compared to this, I have no desire whatsoever for sugar or any other food.This is not a vain desire - it's not that I hope to be some bombshell with a perfect body, I am just so sick of the shame that shrouds my opinion of my body; tired of endlessly adjusting clothing because nothing fits right or because clothes ride up when I sit or stand or move a certain way. Tired of avoiding having my photo taken, or making sure that no photo is taken below the shoulders because I cant stand the disgust I feel when I have to see myself. These self-image and self-hate issues are a whole other conversation, but I have learned that being thin will not fix these feelings, I have to do that first; I have to love myself well to care for myself well. But these feelings, for now, are the reality of why I so desire to improve my health and body. The thought of waking up and being 'fixed', outwardly anyways, is incredible, and though I know this is not a choice I will ever actually have, what God spoke to me through my Husband's pointed question is that - I DO HAVE THIS CHOICE! Do I want the Blizzard, or do I want to be healthy? So often I'm nearsighted and I actually think it's the Blizzard I want. My Husband's words showed me so clearly, that is not what I want! I want to make a different choice. I can make this choice every time I feel the need to run through a drive thru, or pick up a chocolate bar, or make a batch of cookies that I know I will eat most of by myself. I GET to choose - do I really want [whatever the fix is at the time], or do I want to be WELL!?
Jesus, I want to be well! I want to choose You! Please help me to keep choosing You and keep choosing health over temporary satisfaction and ultimately death.
You have a choice.
