Loving the YOU God Made

I was born blonde. As a little girl I had white blonde hair that I remember got lots of comments and attention. When I was around 10 or 11 it started getting darker and I remember feeling like it wasn't 'me' and by 13 I was getting my Mom to streak blonde back into my hair via a box of colour from the store. It really didn't go well, and by 16 I was paying for professionals to restore the blonde that I somehow felt was my proper identity.

The lie there is that our identities are not supposed to come from our hair, they're supposed to come from God; from the fact that He created us each individually out of love and with a perfect and intentional plan for us, and when He was done He said, "It is good." And the fact that when we went astray and humanity for the most part stopped including our maker in our daily lives and got so bogged down in sin and selfishness that we were lost and closer to the side of destruction than the side of holiness, God still saw so much value in us that He devised a plan that sent His beloved Son to earth to suffer a persecution and death that would carry all the weight of humanity's disobedience and the utter separation from God that was our just punishment. But Jesus, being God, did not remain in Hell as we would have; but broke through it and opened a way to Heaven for all of us who would surrender to the truth that we had fallen away from our loving Creator, and needed a Saviour to bring us back. THAT is how we know our worth and our identity - because God proved it. We are His.

So fast forward 10 years, and I have been mostly all blonde since I was 18, only seeing glimpses of my natural colour as my roots grew in, signalling that it was time for me to go 'fix' them.

Now I know many people dye their hair and for many women it's just like accessorizing or trying on different clothes, but for me it was trying to fix something about myself that I didn't like and thought was wrong. And for many years as I struggled with weight I subconsciously felt, "well at least my hair is nice." As though it somehow made up for the rest of me being so disgusting (horrible self talk - it's hard even to type, but it's how I felt. No wonder God has been working this out of me! I praise Him!)

So every once in a while I have an urge to see what it would be like to have my natural colour back. The urge is fleeting though, and soon the same old thoughts fill back in and the idea is quickly shut down. Last week however, something different happened.

As a new Mom staying home with my Son and on a greatly reduced income because of the inconsistency of my Husband's profession, God has been leading me to pursue whatever saving and stretching of our family's dollars I can find. We've been cutting unnecessary services, actively couponing, selling unused items, driving less, no longer eating out etc. So it became hard to justify my $100+ trips to the salon every 2-3 months. As I considered going back to my natural hair colour to save money, I started looking back through old photos to see if I could find any with my natural colour. But what I mostly found were photos of me as a blonde, and on top of it, photos where I was thinner and spending way more time on my hair, makeup and clothing than I do currently. Immediately my mind was being assaulted with horrible thoughts about myself and how I look now, feeling completely discouraged about my weight and being told that I would never look better or feel healthier than this. That, folks, is full on spiritual attack from the Father of Lies, Satan, the Accuser. If you suffer thoughts like this, know they are not your own and you do NOT need to believe them. So after having a good cry and talking it out with my Husband and praying, God revealed this scripture to us, "Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." (1 Peter 3:3-4 NLT) Don't you just love the simplicity of that!? I heard the truth and it set me free. I realized that the best and only way to stand up and fight this was to go for it - ditch the blonde that was somehow telling me I needed it, and allow my natural, God-given hair colour to grow out. And to spend more time allowing God to infuse my spirit with His beauty than I do on my hair. The more I thought of it, the more excited I got. I loved knowing a way to finally have victory over this feeling!

So yesterday I went through with it, and I have to tell you it was so anticlimactic! I thought I would be nervous and indecisive (that would be me), but instead I was confident, joyful and at peace (that would be God). It's going to be a 2 step process, it will get a little darker than this, but I am so happy with it! It feels like 'me', looks natural, and makes me incredibly stoked that God is teaching me to LOVE myself the way HE made me, not the ways I might wish I am. The truth is, His way is, and will ALWAYS be, the best way.

Here's a photo of me before I left for my hair appointment, and some shots of it after. I'm blogging from my phone (yeah, I know) so not sure if they'll show up in the right order, but I trust you to figure it out :)

Do I win for longest ever post about hair!? Haha.

Cinnamon Swirl Bread

The longer I spend as a Wife and Mommy, the more love I have for all things home-making. I have been experimenting with bread making lately and have fallen in love with the smell of yeast and the feeling of kneading dough by hand! It may seem daunting but trust me, it's the simplest way to do it and so much more satisfying than paying $4+ for a loaf! Until recently, I don't think it had ever occurred to me that you could make bread without a bread machine. Now I would never want one - it would take all the enjoyment out of bread making for me! Part of my journey to simplicity includes realizing that not everything marketed as making our lives easier actually does. For one, bread machines cost money I don't have. Two, I hardly have enough kitchen storage for all the gadgets I already own. Three, who needs more appliances to clean!? When I'm done baking bread I have a bowl to wash and a counter to wipe and then it's on to more enjoyable things! Like sharing this recipe with you!

This bread is delicious warm out of the oven or toasted. We made ours into French Toast right away and it was ammaaazing!!

CINNAMON SWIRL BREAD

Yield: 1 loaf

Prep Time: 2 hours including rising time

Cook Time: 45 min

Ingredients:
DOUGH:
1 tbsp butter
1/2 cup milk
2 tbsp white sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
2 1/4 tsp active dry yeast
3/4 cup warm-hot water
3 cups all-purpose flour, divided
SWIRL:
2 tbsp butter, softened
2 tbsp white sugar
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp cinnamon

Raisins-optional*

Directions:
1. In a microwavable bowl, heat butter and milk until butter is melted.

2. In a large bowl or mixer, stir sugar, salt and cinnamon. Pour warm butter/milk mixture into the bowl; stir until well combined.

3. In a small bowl, mix yeast and warm water until yeast is dissolved; add to the bowl of ingredients and stir.

4. Mix in 2 1/2 cups flour. Turn out dough onto a floured board (dough will be sticky). Sprinkle remaining 1/2 cup of flour onto the dough and knead until the dough is soft and smooth (4 to 5 minutes). Add additional sprinkles of flour, if needed. (If using dough hook in mixer, knead on setting '2' for 4 to 5 minutes and then turn out onto floured board to knead until dough is no longer sticky- a minute or so).

5. Put dough into a greased bowl; turn the dough over so the top of the dough is greased too. Cover with a clean dish towel and let rise in a warm place for about 60 minutes, or until doubled in size (A good warm place is in the oven - turn to 400 F for one minute then turn off and place bowl of dough on middle rack, leaving oven light OFF.)

6. Punch down the dough in the bowl with your fist. Turn dough onto a floured surface and knead for about 1 minute, adding flour as needed to reduce stickiness. Roll dough out into a rectangle.

7. Spread 2 tablespoons softened butter on the surface of the rolled out dough. In a small bowl, mix white sugar, brown sugar and cinnamon. Sprinkle this mixture on top of the butter. If adding raisins, scatter desired amount over surface. Roll up dough and form into a loaf.

8. Place into a buttered 5x9-inch bread pan, seam side down. Cover with a clean dish towel and let rise in a warm place until doubled in size, about 30 minutes.

9. Preheat oven to 375 F.

10. Score risen dough in the pan by cutting 3 slashes diagonally across the top of the loaf with a sharp knife. Bake bread for 35 to 40 minutes, or until golden brown.

11. Turn out bread onto a wire rack and let cool.

*To make into French Toast, mix 2 eggs with 2 tbsp milk and 1 tsp vanilla. Coat 1/2 inch slices of Cinnamon Swirl Bread in egg mixture and fry in a light amount of butter until golden brown. Dust with icing sugar to make it fancy :)

Do you have a favourite bread recipe? I would love to hear it!

New Direction - many changes to come :)

When I started this blog it was because I felt that God wanted me to share about the eating disorder I have been battling, because of the shame and secrecy that had shrouded it, to bring it into the light and pursue honesty and healing and hopefully even help someone else along the way. That was almost two years ago, and God still has me on a journey of hope and healing that I will be continuing to share. But lately I have been exploring so many new sides of myself, and feeling a yearning to share and record my experiences. Things as simple as new recipes I'm trying, ways I'm finding to save money for my family, and more complex topics such as what I'm learning about Motherhood, and where God is leading me in life. I kept thinking that I would love to blog about some of the things I'm learning and doing, but in my head I've been struggling with how I would do it; did I need to start a whole new blog since this one I currently have is about my eating disorder? And also, my Husband and I wanted to start a blog to share family photos and stories with friends and family (always looking for a way to kick the Facebook habit!), so what did that mean? Would I need THREE blogs!? Through all this ridiculous OCD thinking God spoke to me about my tendency to be a perfectionist and affinity to having things 'a certain way.' I'm realizing more and more that this is not how I want to be, and I am learning a lot about the value of simplicity (MUCH more to come on this topic soon...) God also showed me that I have tended to compartmentalize the struggles in my life (ie: my eating disorder). For the most part, I put on a happy, 'all-together' face, and go about my life as best I can, and only talk about my struggles in certain environments when it seems 'appropriate,' such as with my counsellor, at prayer groups, and in deep conversation with close friends. So of course it made sense to me that my 'Eating Disorder Blog' should not intermingle with any sort of 'Real Life Blog' that I might begin! Through this I realized it was time to adapt THIS blog into my 'Real Life Blog.' Of course I am only one person, and any blogging about my life should be able to be contained in one blog. It's good practice for me to step back from trying to overcomplicate something and just choose the route of simplicity. So instead of sitting here with negative self-defeating thoughts about how disorganized it's all going to be, I'm reminding myself that this blog is about ME. And I am not a clean cut, one dimensional perfect person. I am a mess of joys and insecurities, talents, passions and struggles. And so will be my blog.

"Live to Shine" is a reminder to me that everything I do, I do to the glory of God. Anything good about me points to the Father, and I pray that my life would be a living testimony of His power and beauty. "So let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and praise your Father in Heaven." (Matthew 5:16)