At the beginning of this year I cautiously began a journey with Weight Watchers. Because my relationship with food, health and weight loss has almost always included fad diets, quick (un-maintainable) loss, and eating disordered thinking and habits, I was very careful in approaching weight loss this time. I chose Weight Watchers because there are no restrictions (you can eat anything you want as long as it fits into your daily points - fruits/veg are free!), no black/white thinking, no unattainable goals (they actually discourage losing more than 1-2 lbs a week, and are always quick to acknowledge "non scale victories" - successes that show growth towards physical/mental health & habits, not always appearing on the scale). These things and more have supported me in finding a more balanced mentality about health and weight than I have ever had before. So it was the perfect program for me. It offers the accountability I need because I check in every week - and if a week hasn't gone well (like when we were moving, or travelling!) it's only a couple pounds at the most and I am brought back on track - rather than like other times in my life when I could ignore my bad habits (and scale) for months at a time and eventually would discover an extra 40 pounds had appeared! The motivation I get from this program has & will work for me long term because it is so realistic. I've learned that the slower the change, the longer it lasts. This applies in weight loss AND habit forming/changing. There is no punishment when you don't 'stick to' the program (since there really isn't much of a 'program' to stick to). It's all about making small maintainable changes and just balancing out your eating and your exercise without depriving yourself of the things you really want (and lets be honest, sometimes need!)
Before I become too much of a commercial, what I really came here for was just to share my excitement about the milestone I reached today! At my meeting this morning, I stepped on the scale and saw it read lower than I've weighed in at least 4 years. I have officially lost 40 pounds and my BMI is down 7%! For the first time in my life I KNOW I am losing weight healthily and will actually reach an ideal weight (I don't have a goal set yet, they avoid doing this until you are closer so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming, and they have your doctor recommend a healthy range for you - love that!)
In my 20's, while I was extreme dieting, I was the thinnest that I've ever been but was the most mentally unhealthy and the deepest in my eating disorder. When I looked in the mirror I saw a disgusting obese monster though I was hardly even overweight. After years of counselling, difficult years when I was not allowed to 'diet,' or restrict, I did gain a lot of weight (which is what happens after you have shocked your body with so much deprivation) but now I see that my health has reversed. I am now, even with almost 100 pounds left to lose, the most healthy I have ever been mentally. When I look in the mirror now I see exactly who I am. I don't see a thinner girl than I am, but I don't see someone disgusting. I feel sad for how I've treated myself but also grateful for how God has brought me to love who He made me. I see a body that has held me through 30 beautiful and broken years of life. I see strong legs that have walked every step I've ever asked them to, and would have walked many more if I had been brave enough to try. I see a tummy, scarred and stretched by the beautiful baby boy it grew within it and I can't see through tears right now as gratitude overwhelms me for what God has given me in this body, and for the regret of how I've regarded myself in the past, and the way I allowed some careless words to almost scar me for life. No more. I have learned health begins within. A healthy body can not make a healthy mind, but a healthy mind WILL make a healthy body. So now it is exciting to watch the pounds disappear, and know that I am saying bye for good. My husband has a 40 lb weight that I struggle to lift but I try all the time because it makes me smile to know the reality of what I am changing in my body!
I still watch many friends struggle with this battle of weight, body image, health, and the balance between loving yourself and needing everyone else to love you. We all have our own path there, but I offer myself to you if anyone ever needs some encouragement, words of (my little bit of) experience, or prayer. I am so thankful for a Husband who speaks God's wisdom to me. At times when I get too focused on the number on the scale he reminds me; our bodies will pass away. They are but for this life and not the next. There are so many more important things to spend our time and focus on, that are lasting. God does want us to be healthy but not in a way that is obsessive and hinders our worship of Him because we are worshiping ourselves - making ourselves more important than Him. So many of us are worshiping our health without realizing it. Whether it's the idol of vanity or the idol of health or the idol of longer lives with our kids it is still idolatry and puts our eyes on something other than Jesus. God alone has numbered our days and I believe and cling to the hope that it is not dependent on me. My life is written, and what He is giving me in this health journey is the freedom to enjoy it!
Many years of joy were robbed from me by my feeling that I was too overweight to do certain things, or too consumed with how others were judging me. I had the curse of looking ahead thinking "I'll be happy when... I'll do this when... I'll live fully when..." But the answer to this and every other question is Jesus, who said "I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)." John 10:10 AMP
A full life NOW, not later.
For every good thing, I thank Him. For every struggle, I praise Him. In everything I see Him. And because it's lavished on me, I love Him.
All for Jesus,
Carly
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Death is not DEATH
My heart is heavy. So many people we know are facing tragic circumstances and deep sadness. My heart breaks and grieves to know people I love are in great pain, and I long for adequate words to bless and encourage their hearts, but there are none.
I lay in bed last night talking to my Husband, praying for our friends and lamenting about how to make sense of these things that feel impossible to reconcile with our faith. We know that God is good, He loves us, and He always has a purpose for us; but in times like this can not understand how these circumstances are any of those things. My Husband fell asleep while I was talking and I was left alone with God. That's okay, He's the one I really needed to hear from anyway.
So I asked, "God, how in the world do you expect us to cope with these things? What perspective are we supposed to have, to be able to walk through times like this without crumbling? I know you care about life and death. Your ministry on earth was full of healing, even to the point of bringing people back to life after they had died. We saw that you grieved death yourself. So why is this your 'good and loving' plan for us? Even those who experience miraculous healing will still die eventually. We can't just keep asking you to heal us over and over. You can't save us from death."
Enter God. And His answer was made plain to me.
"Yes. I can. That is exactly what I have done."
Mental jaw drop. How have I not seen it this way before?
He already stepped in to save us from death. ETERNAL DEATH. If we could ever fully grasp the meaning of that; a true end to life, separation from God, from anything and anyone we love or find peace or joy in, absence of anything good, absence of light...if we knew that THIS DEATH WAS OUR FATE! Your fate. My fate. Every loved one's fate. If we were in a place of awareness that this is where we were headed until Jesus stepped in, and He said to us,
"Hey, I can save you from DEATH. You will still have to pass away from Earth, but you will never truly die. And when you leave Earth I have prepared a far better home for you, where everyone we love can be together without pain, sadness, evil, suffering, or any fear of another death, EVER,"
I think we would be willing to face a hundred earthly 'deaths' to be saved from that eternal one. Because death as we know it is not DEATH. And calling it that has probably just made it harder on us. Because that Jesus quote? He did say that. "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies. And whoever lives and believes in me will never die." John 11:25-26
That is the perspective we need to have to face these times without crumbling. Because it's the truth. And it's how we reconcile that God is who He says He is despite any trials we go through here. Because our prognosis before this was devastating. Hopeless. But now the extent of our sadness is missing those who pass away from Earth before us. It is still sad, and our circumstances can still be excruciatingly painful; but not hopeless. It is not the end of the story, because there is no end to the story. Just fullness of life and love, forever, in Heaven.
Press play. I dare you not to stand up, arms stretched to the sky, tears falling to the floor, heart filled with hope when you get to 2:44. Or is that just me :)
Oh, death! Where is your sting?
Now I have two questions for us leading out of this post. Because writing this made me realize that most people have a greater reverence and awareness of earthly death than eternal DEATH. So some food for thought:
Makes me think about those guys on the street corner holding signs, trying to tell everyone they can about Jesus. They might just have the right idea...
I lay in bed last night talking to my Husband, praying for our friends and lamenting about how to make sense of these things that feel impossible to reconcile with our faith. We know that God is good, He loves us, and He always has a purpose for us; but in times like this can not understand how these circumstances are any of those things. My Husband fell asleep while I was talking and I was left alone with God. That's okay, He's the one I really needed to hear from anyway.
So I asked, "God, how in the world do you expect us to cope with these things? What perspective are we supposed to have, to be able to walk through times like this without crumbling? I know you care about life and death. Your ministry on earth was full of healing, even to the point of bringing people back to life after they had died. We saw that you grieved death yourself. So why is this your 'good and loving' plan for us? Even those who experience miraculous healing will still die eventually. We can't just keep asking you to heal us over and over. You can't save us from death."
Enter God. And His answer was made plain to me.
"Yes. I can. That is exactly what I have done."
Mental jaw drop. How have I not seen it this way before?
He already stepped in to save us from death. ETERNAL DEATH. If we could ever fully grasp the meaning of that; a true end to life, separation from God, from anything and anyone we love or find peace or joy in, absence of anything good, absence of light...if we knew that THIS DEATH WAS OUR FATE! Your fate. My fate. Every loved one's fate. If we were in a place of awareness that this is where we were headed until Jesus stepped in, and He said to us,
"Hey, I can save you from DEATH. You will still have to pass away from Earth, but you will never truly die. And when you leave Earth I have prepared a far better home for you, where everyone we love can be together without pain, sadness, evil, suffering, or any fear of another death, EVER,"
I think we would be willing to face a hundred earthly 'deaths' to be saved from that eternal one. Because death as we know it is not DEATH. And calling it that has probably just made it harder on us. Because that Jesus quote? He did say that. "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies. And whoever lives and believes in me will never die." John 11:25-26
That is the perspective we need to have to face these times without crumbling. Because it's the truth. And it's how we reconcile that God is who He says He is despite any trials we go through here. Because our prognosis before this was devastating. Hopeless. But now the extent of our sadness is missing those who pass away from Earth before us. It is still sad, and our circumstances can still be excruciatingly painful; but not hopeless. It is not the end of the story, because there is no end to the story. Just fullness of life and love, forever, in Heaven.
Press play. I dare you not to stand up, arms stretched to the sky, tears falling to the floor, heart filled with hope when you get to 2:44. Or is that just me :)
Oh, Hell! Where is your victory?
Oh, Church! Come stand in the light.
The glory of God has defeated the night!
Oh, death! Where is your sting?
Oh, death! Where is your sting?
Oh, Hell! Where is your victory?
Oh, Church! Come stand in the light.
Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's ALIVE!
Christ is Risen - Matt Maher
Now I have two questions for us leading out of this post. Because writing this made me realize that most people have a greater reverence and awareness of earthly death than eternal DEATH. So some food for thought:
- If you found out there was a cure for death, would you share it with people? Would you tell everyone you know? Would you stop strangers to tell them, and save them from death? Would you run, yelling about it, down the street?
- If you were told about a cure for death, knowing death is inevitable for you, is there any reason you would not believe it or accept it?
Makes me think about those guys on the street corner holding signs, trying to tell everyone they can about Jesus. They might just have the right idea...
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Just Love.
This was a Facebook status gone long, so I
think it belongs here. I didn't think I had much to say but every once in a
while when I allow the mouth of my heart (there is such a thing you know!) to
open, stuff just starts flowing out uncontrollably and I realize God might have
some stuff to say in and through me. At least I hope it's Him. I get
embarrassed at how long-winded I can become, if that' a problem for you you
should stop reading now. Get out while you still can! :) Someone I used to work
with who didn't like me called me long-winded once and I have not yet been able
to let go of the insecurity that gave me about speaking or writing my thoughts.
But I try not to let it stifle me too much in case the Lord is trying to use
me. I'm okay with being disliked for His sake!
Moving on...
God is at work in my heart. Every day I am
noticing more and more how my emotions are all bubbling to the surface. I
notice it every time I tear up at a song, news story, church service or TV commercial, and how many
times I've opened the fridge with some kind of craving then realized the
hunger or emptiness I am feeling is not physical. It's in my heart. It feels
broken right now but I know that's just His hand in there working on things. I
don't mean broken in a sad way, I mean broken in a way that is expanding my
capacity to see through God's eyes and care about what He cares about. To have
compassion and concern for people in this world. Our families, friends,
strangers...and even ourselves. A lot of my past has been coming up for me
lately, it seems like every so often I have to review it again, hurt for it
again, accept His grace and healing again, and then close it again. I am okay
with this, knowing how it ends, but it is exhausting. It's been difficult being
in a new place without the comfort of home and dearly loved friends. I'm
feeling displaced and lonely, and find myself wondering what God wants to do
with me here. The thing I keep feeling like He is revealing to me is this: Just
love.
I am humbled by how deeply I am loved. By God,
my Husband, and some others (not saying everyone loves me!) But I know I'm so
undeserving and it makes me uncomfortable at times. Tonight my Husband, for
some reason I can't remember, spent a really long time telling me all about why
he loves me and who I am in his eyes. I love how some of his lovey dovey talk
included (sorry babe I'm gonna have to try and paraphrase you here, but it's
1:39am and well...you can correct me tomorrow) but it was something like this
"Even when you're being ridiculous or acting crazy or I don't like
something you're saying and you make me furious (super sweet right? :), I know
without a doubt that when you and I were born, God was already planning our
marriage, and He already knew these things. And so because you're mine, the one
He made and loves and chose out of this world for me, I love you. Even then.
Because I choose to love you." I sometimes wonder if this man is actually
an angel God sent to earth just to care for my heart. The way he sees me and
loves me is hard for me to comprehend or even accept at times. Second only to
the way he sees and loves God.
So getting to my point, part of my emotional excavating
lately has included realizing the burden of love that I carry. I am
sometimes hesitant to show people how deeply I love them, because I think it
will freak them out just like it freaks me out :) And also because of times
when I have held out this kind of love and been hurt or rejected. I am not
saying I am good at loving everyone because I'm not. But I do find very often
God lets me see others through His eyes and the love I feel for them is almost
overwhelming. Even some that are hardly more than strangers. I think this is
weird, and I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo so I try to act normal
instead of loving with the extravagance that I feel comes more naturally. But
the truth is, the more I try to act like who I think I should be instead of who
I am, the less normal and natural I am. God is calling me up to this
extravagant love. I know He has given me a depth of affection and compassion
for people and I have to let that be His to use through me. I can't keep
deciding when it's appropriate to show and when it's not. Or who I should love
and who I shouldn't. Or who will believe it's sincere, and who will think I am
fake. Or, more importantly, who will love me back. It's His love to give, it's His love that changes me, and it's His love
that will change the world. I realize too that as I freely love others, it
becomes easier to freely love myself. Because I don't have to judge the version
of me that I'm trying to invent...I just get to love the authentic me that God
made. Longwindedness, extravagant loveyness and all :)
Friday, November 18, 2011
You Have A Choice.
My Husband and I have started a 'fast' from fast food. So many reasons for this, besides my struggle with food; our general health, wanting to raise our children without dependence on drive-thrus, the financial benefit of eating at home, and the list could go on, I'm sure. We also both realize the actual addictive nature of 'bad' food, and while we believe in praying and asking for God's help, we also feel that we need to take a stand and lay down our fleshly desires to honour God with our decisions about our bodies and our health. So we are fasting. For 'a month' apparently, but I hope longer! (I'm not going to mention here that we decided to begin this fast while pulled over in the car, chowing down on Wendy's burgers, fries and frosties, because that's just not important.)
We are using a meal plan from Men's Health magazine that was just convenient because it includes simple breakfasts, lunches and snacks and then a recipe for each dinner, as well as providing a shopping list for the week (YES! This is a new favourite thing of mine - meal plans and shopping lists, and the way they combat the temptation to buy a bunch of things I shouldn't while at the grocery store). On day three of the fast, we ate our delicious and satisfying homemade dinner, and headed out to a friends place for a visit. On the way there I confessed to my Husband that I was struggling with a sugar craving, as I often do after eating a really healthy meal (spiritual attack?) and even more so after a few days of eating well (I think so). He suggested that we pray, and while he was praying for me he was talking about how these cravings are either from the enemy or from the flesh, but they are not from God. As He spoke I felt God so gently say, "Do you really choose me?" I tear up just typing this because of the impact of this question on my heart. Do I really choose God? I'd like to say I do, but when I turn to food for comfort or escape in times of emotional pain, is that me choosing God? If I'm just bored and restless, but instead of picking up my bible like I always wish I had more time to, or praying for all those people I've said I will, I search for something to eat instead, is that me choosing God? If food has been a struggle for me to the point that I have hidden it and lied about it, and even somehow felt that I was keeping it secret from the Lord, leaving Him completely out of this struggle as I often did, is that me choosing God? I say I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus is God - not was God, IS God - that He died on the cross, but did not stay dead, that He is actually alive and all powerful, having beat death for us so we can follow Him through that path into a life that lasts and is not filled with all the evil and horror of this life we find ourselves in now; with addictions and suffering, murder and hate, and so many struggles that are confined to this world but will not be in the next. If I keep choosing this addiction when I believe that Christ has set me free, that can not be choosing Him! I am choosing these chains. He cut them off me, but I have picked them back up and carry them along with myself willingly. This is CRAZY! So God filled my head with all this truth, as my Husband prayed for me (thank you Lord) and it has given me a new drive and determination to choose self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit, over addiction, which is a trap set by the devil to lead us into death.
The next thing my Husband said to me, that God used to profoundly alter my mindset about the choices I make, is this: "If God gave you this proposition, "You can either have unlimited Blizzards, every day for the rest of your life (okay I have a weakness and he knows it - but I knew exactly what was coming next), or you can wake up tomorrow and be thin and healthy", what would you choose?" I could almost have laughed out loud, if tears hadn't been stinging my eyes, because its comical that this would even be posed as a choice. There is no choice here, the answer is so blatantly clear. No contest! I want, and have always only ever wanted to be thin and healthy. Compared to this, I have no desire whatsoever for sugar or any other food.This is not a vain desire - it's not that I hope to be some bombshell with a perfect body, I am just so sick of the shame that shrouds my opinion of my body; tired of endlessly adjusting clothing because nothing fits right or because clothes ride up when I sit or stand or move a certain way. Tired of avoiding having my photo taken, or making sure that no photo is taken below the shoulders because I cant stand the disgust I feel when I have to see myself. These self-image and self-hate issues are a whole other conversation, but I have learned that being thin will not fix these feelings, I have to do that first; I have to love myself well to care for myself well. But these feelings, for now, are the reality of why I so desire to improve my health and body. The thought of waking up and being 'fixed', outwardly anyways, is incredible, and though I know this is not a choice I will ever actually have, what God spoke to me through my Husband's pointed question is that - I DO HAVE THIS CHOICE! Do I want the Blizzard, or do I want to be healthy? So often I'm nearsighted and I actually think it's the Blizzard I want. My Husband's words showed me so clearly, that is not what I want! I want to make a different choice. I can make this choice every time I feel the need to run through a drive thru, or pick up a chocolate bar, or make a batch of cookies that I know I will eat most of by myself. I GET to choose - do I really want [whatever the fix is at the time], or do I want to be WELL!?
Jesus, I want to be well! I want to choose You! Please help me to keep choosing You and keep choosing health over temporary satisfaction and ultimately death.
You have a choice.
We are using a meal plan from Men's Health magazine that was just convenient because it includes simple breakfasts, lunches and snacks and then a recipe for each dinner, as well as providing a shopping list for the week (YES! This is a new favourite thing of mine - meal plans and shopping lists, and the way they combat the temptation to buy a bunch of things I shouldn't while at the grocery store). On day three of the fast, we ate our delicious and satisfying homemade dinner, and headed out to a friends place for a visit. On the way there I confessed to my Husband that I was struggling with a sugar craving, as I often do after eating a really healthy meal (spiritual attack?) and even more so after a few days of eating well (I think so). He suggested that we pray, and while he was praying for me he was talking about how these cravings are either from the enemy or from the flesh, but they are not from God. As He spoke I felt God so gently say, "Do you really choose me?" I tear up just typing this because of the impact of this question on my heart. Do I really choose God? I'd like to say I do, but when I turn to food for comfort or escape in times of emotional pain, is that me choosing God? If I'm just bored and restless, but instead of picking up my bible like I always wish I had more time to, or praying for all those people I've said I will, I search for something to eat instead, is that me choosing God? If food has been a struggle for me to the point that I have hidden it and lied about it, and even somehow felt that I was keeping it secret from the Lord, leaving Him completely out of this struggle as I often did, is that me choosing God? I say I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus is God - not was God, IS God - that He died on the cross, but did not stay dead, that He is actually alive and all powerful, having beat death for us so we can follow Him through that path into a life that lasts and is not filled with all the evil and horror of this life we find ourselves in now; with addictions and suffering, murder and hate, and so many struggles that are confined to this world but will not be in the next. If I keep choosing this addiction when I believe that Christ has set me free, that can not be choosing Him! I am choosing these chains. He cut them off me, but I have picked them back up and carry them along with myself willingly. This is CRAZY! So God filled my head with all this truth, as my Husband prayed for me (thank you Lord) and it has given me a new drive and determination to choose self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit, over addiction, which is a trap set by the devil to lead us into death.
The next thing my Husband said to me, that God used to profoundly alter my mindset about the choices I make, is this: "If God gave you this proposition, "You can either have unlimited Blizzards, every day for the rest of your life (okay I have a weakness and he knows it - but I knew exactly what was coming next), or you can wake up tomorrow and be thin and healthy", what would you choose?" I could almost have laughed out loud, if tears hadn't been stinging my eyes, because its comical that this would even be posed as a choice. There is no choice here, the answer is so blatantly clear. No contest! I want, and have always only ever wanted to be thin and healthy. Compared to this, I have no desire whatsoever for sugar or any other food.This is not a vain desire - it's not that I hope to be some bombshell with a perfect body, I am just so sick of the shame that shrouds my opinion of my body; tired of endlessly adjusting clothing because nothing fits right or because clothes ride up when I sit or stand or move a certain way. Tired of avoiding having my photo taken, or making sure that no photo is taken below the shoulders because I cant stand the disgust I feel when I have to see myself. These self-image and self-hate issues are a whole other conversation, but I have learned that being thin will not fix these feelings, I have to do that first; I have to love myself well to care for myself well. But these feelings, for now, are the reality of why I so desire to improve my health and body. The thought of waking up and being 'fixed', outwardly anyways, is incredible, and though I know this is not a choice I will ever actually have, what God spoke to me through my Husband's pointed question is that - I DO HAVE THIS CHOICE! Do I want the Blizzard, or do I want to be healthy? So often I'm nearsighted and I actually think it's the Blizzard I want. My Husband's words showed me so clearly, that is not what I want! I want to make a different choice. I can make this choice every time I feel the need to run through a drive thru, or pick up a chocolate bar, or make a batch of cookies that I know I will eat most of by myself. I GET to choose - do I really want [whatever the fix is at the time], or do I want to be WELL!?
Jesus, I want to be well! I want to choose You! Please help me to keep choosing You and keep choosing health over temporary satisfaction and ultimately death.
You have a choice.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Detours and Miracles
Tonight I found myself alone in a quiet home, and prompted to spend some time with the Lord. I sat down with some books I have been reading and picked up the first, called 'Fit for my King.' It's a book by Sheri Rose Shepherd about the battle of eating disorders and self image, and how to see ourselves through the love of God and live a life to glorify Him. This is my ultimate goal - to glorify Him! As I was reading this book, I kept seeing the suggestion to write down my thoughts and feelings, to share my 'truth' with God instead of turning to worldly comforts. Through this, God reminded me of this blog which I began over a year ago and have not written in since, and I realized He was telling me that it's time to begin again.
The last blog post I wrote in March 2010 was an important one for me to get off my chest. I 'outed' myself in a lot of ways that terrified me, and it was cathartic to give myself the freedom to do that. While I was writing it I was supposed to be getting ready to carpool to a night of bowling with our young adults church group. Minutes after we needed to be walking out of the house my fingers were still madly flailing away at the keys trying to complete my thoughts. When I frantically hit send, knowing all that I had revealed that had been so long hidden, it felt like jumping off of a cliff. My heart was pounding and I was so nervous my mouth was pasty and dry and I was shaking a little. As we drove away from our house, I told my Husband that after confessing in the blog that I had snuck (stolen) snacks and food from friends' houses after school when I was young, I actually had a wave of paranoia that somehow now I would end up in jail over it! This fear stemmed from the power this shame and secrecy held over me even at that young age. I remember years where hearing a police siren sent adrenaline coursing through my veins as I was sure they were coming for me! I know now that this isn't the kind of behaviour that concerns police, but it concerns God. I also know now that what I was really robbing was my physical and emotional freedom and self-esteem.
After writing that post I received a lot of encouragement and also some spiritual attack. Many friends and aquaintances who read my blog responded so reassuirngly to me, telling me that they had experienced a similar struggle or knew someone who had - or just loving me and assuring me that I was safe sharing my feelings and they appreciated it. My Mom even called me to tell me she had read it and was so sorry that she hadn't known what I was going through, and wished she had been able to protect me. It was such a gift to hear these words, they brought healing to my heart. At the same time though, there is an enemy that seeks to destroy every good work in our lives and I definitely heard from him as well. I lost all motivation to continue writing, and even when I did try my thoughts felt muddled and unclear. I started feeling like I didn't have anything worth sharing, and people were judging me and would look down on me for revealing such a personal struggle. Over time the leading I had felt to share this journey faded, and eventually disappeared.
I am grateful that God has stirred this calling in my heart again. I do believe He has asked me to share this journey - if not for the benefit of anyone else, then just to allow me the therapy of working through it for myself and having a written record to refer back to when I forget how far I've come, and all that I've learned.
As I began to write this post tonight, I realized that a large reason this time passed so quickly for me is that within this last year I became pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy. My pregnancy was one of the greatest most obvious answers to prayer I have ever witnessed, and yet the story is one that I have only shared with a few close friends because it's also a story of some of my darkest most shameful sins that I do not feel I have the strength to face out loud. I have often suspected that God would ask me to share this story publicly, and tonight He has made it clear that it is time. This may be the most difficult thing I've ever had to write, but I am praying against the fear for I know the purpose of it is to testify of God's overwhelming goodness and grace, and the mercy we have been afforded through Jesus Christ.
In my early twenties, I had two abortions. I am tempted to get into long drawn out details here, but I feel my purpose would be to have room to describe these situations in a way that would paint a more understandable light on what I have done, and subdue the judgement I feel I deserve. But the utter reality is this: Sin is ugly, and the judgement we deserve is death. I am saved by Jesus, and only by God's grace I am forgiven. I struggle to this day with how God could forgive me, but I know He has. And I have no greater proof of that than the child who sleeps soundly beside me tonight. This is why I know He has asked me to share this story; So that you may know there is no ugliness in your life so terrible that Jesus Christ has not covered it with His own death. There is no realm of disobedience so shameful that God will not stand at the end of the driveway waiting for you to return home, repentant, to His loving arms.
When my Husband and I were dating, there was one night where I could sense that he wanted to tell me he loved me for the first time. I knew as soon as I met this man that I would marry him, and I felt a conviction that I could not let him take our relationship to that level without first being honest with him about my past. What I actually thought was that when I told him about the abortions he would not want to say he loved me, and I felt it only fair to give him a way out. Instead what happened was a divinely blessed moment between us. I confessed the shame of my past, and the relationships where first of all I had sinned, and second of all I had not been loved enough for a child to be wanted with me. The truth was that I have always longed for children, and would have welcomed them if I thought it was only up to me, even in these less than ideal circumstances. But both times felt forced into the decision because of a partner who was threatening and adament that it was not my choice as it was not only my child. Looking back, I wish I had known at that age what I know now, and felt the confidence to make the choice myself and not be pressured into doing something that I knew was wrong, and would have to live with for the rest of my life. But God has seen fit to use these dark spots in my life, and I have determined to let Him. And so it was, this night when I tearfully confessed my sins to my future-Husband, I did not find the rejection I anticipated, but instead heard of the similar devastation in his life, where twice he had a girlfriend abort a child of his without telling him - leaving us with eerily similar feelings from seeminly opposite situations. We had both lost children in a shameful way by someone elses decision, and now were both left with the ache and regret of the loss. It was a tragic and yet beautiful moment between us, one where I saw God already weaving grace into my shame...that He would use these matching scars to join us together and give us an understanding of eachother's deepest pain was beyond my comprehension of His mercy. But that is what He is teaching me; that His mercy is incomprehensible. In our greatest valiant effort we could never extend this kind of loving forgiveness to another, only by the power of Jesus Christ.
Fast forward two years from that night, to when my Husband and I had been married for six months. When we got married we made the decision not to use any birth control, and to trust God with giving us or not giving us children. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we knew that we would be honoured at any time God chose to bless us with them - especially because of the regret we both felt from our pasts. I had thought we would get pregnant very quickly, but as the months went by a fear began to grow that had been dormant for many years. "God, will you ever trust me with a life again?" "Jesus, can you forgive me?" "Will I ever be allowed to be a Mother, after what I've done?" In my soul I knew the punishment I deserved was even greater than this. One night while I was expressing my fears to my Husband, he said to me "I know, I understand," referring to the fact that he feels the same fears. I told him that I dont think he could understand exactly the same way though, because we were on different sides of the situation. Without meaning for his words to stab me the way they did, but just speaking in the matter of fact way he does, he said, "Well, I didn't KILL the babies...but..." His words pierced straight through my soul, and an anguish that I had been stifling for years ripped through my heart. I fell to the floor, and my body was racked with sobs...a primal howl that I could never recreate rose up out of my gut...I have never felt such suffocating grief. I needed to get as far from those words as I could. I pulled myself up and ran as far away in the house as I could...all the way down the hall into the farthest bedroom, grabbing frantically for my bible on the way, and through to the ensuite bathroom, slamming the door and slumping down on the floor in a heap of sheer devastation. I cried out to God on that floor...I wept for the babies I had not brought into the world, I sobbed my deepest apologies and regrets, and begged God to speak to me...to tell me how He felt about me now, and to tell me if I had lost the right to ever have a family of my own. With weak and trembling hands I picked up my bible and let it fall open on my lap. And the scripture God laid before me was so clear in response, it felt as though God reached His very hand down into that bathroom and held me, while speaking it to me Himself. The book was Ezekiel, and from chapter 36-37 God spoke every word straight to my heart. I don't have room to post both chapters, so please search it out yourself if you would like to see its entirety - but basically what it repeated over and over for 2 entire chapters is this: (This is God speaking to Israel, His chosen people, His child [me], some is quoted, some is paraphrased) .
The blessing and renewal of Israel (chapter 37)
"I am furious for the shame that has been brought upon you, you have been plundered and mocked, a desolate waste. Therefore this is my prophecy to you; I will cause your branches to shoot forth and bear fruit. I am for you, and I will turn to you, and you shall be tilled and sown. I will multiply men upon you, the cities shall be inhabited and the ruins rebuilt. They shall increase and bear young; I will make you inhabited as in former times, and do better for you than at your beginnings. Then you shall know that I am the LORD. Yes, I will cause men to walk on you, My people Israel; they shall take possession of you, and you shall be their inheritance; no more shall you bereave them of children.” Thus says the Lord GOD: “Because they say to you, ‘You devour men and bereave your nation of children,’ therefore you shall devour men no more, nor bereave your nation anymore,” says the Lord GOD. “Nor will I let you hear the taunts of the nations anymore, nor bear the reproach of the peoples anymore, nor shall you cause your nation to stumble anymore,” says the Lord God. I do not do this for your sake, but for My holy name’s sake, which you have profaned among the nations. And I will sanctify My great name, which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst; and the nations shall know that I am the LORD,” says the Lord GOD, “when I am hallowed in you before their eyes. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them. You shall be My people, and I will be your God. I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses.
The dry bones live (chapter 38)
This chapter tells a story of God prophesying over a valley of dry bones which have been slain, telling them to get up, as he breathes life into them, and live. It ends with "Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel. Then you shall know that I am the LORD, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves. I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the LORD, have spoken it and performed it,” says the LORD.”
I could never adequately explain all the meaning God laced these verses with for me. But most of all it just told me that God was pained for what I went through, that He could and had forgiven me and would give me the family I longed for one day. I praise you God for this miraculous answer to prayer!
One month later, a woman I work with told me that she had a dream that she was with me in my apartment, and there were doorways open to rooms, and on the doors were pictures of babies. When looking into these rooms though, there were no babies and the rooms were cold and dark. Her mother was there with us and kept saying to me 'You wouldn't put your baby in a cold dark room. It's time to get your room ready. Get your room ready." And in her dream, she realized what her mother meant was "You wouldnt' put your baby in a cold dark womb. It's time to get your womb ready. Get your womb ready." Obviously this meant a lot to me because of the vast emptiness I had caused my womb...cold and dark didnt begin to describe it. Immediately I realized God was telling me I had a part to play in preparing for the family He had promised, so I began taking prenatal vitamins and being careful about foods I ate and any medications I required. Two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant, and had in fact become pregnant on the exact night this woman had this dream. God had ensured that from the very moment our Son was conceived I was taking the very best care of him that I could. Oh what grace, it fills my eyes with tears just to type it. That after everything, God would not only answer my prayer, but answer it in such a beautifully undeniable way, that also shines of His eternal love for me...so undeserved, and yet so invincible. Thank you, Lord.
My son is now four months old, and his name means 'Given by God.' Not a day goes by that I don't hold his cheek to mine in prayer, thanking God for His redemption and neverending goodness. What a gift you are, my Son. You will never understand the way God used you to heal your Mommy's heart.
I'm sorry to anyone who reads this whom I have shared half of this story with but not the whole truth. Please forgive me, and know I didnt intend to decieve anyone, I just was not ready to face the emotion of having it out in the open. What an amazing God we serve that He can use anything, even our sin, to bring light to this world and glory to His name. Tonight I realized this: at it's core, abortion is just an attempt to hide our sin. So I will not continue trying to hide this sin for the sake of my own pride, especially at the expense of concealing God's mercy in my life.
"For while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." He knew it all, and He did it anyway. There is nothing in your life that can seperate you from God's love and mercy - turn to Jesus, He knows it all already.
Thank you and WOW to anyone who stayed with me this long. I pray that God will use this for His purposes. To end, I will repeat these words that I wrote months ago as the Lord prepared my heart to be willing to take this step of obedience: "The parts of my past that I could hide in secrecy and shame are the same stories where, when shared, God's mercy and radical grace are undeniably exclaimed. To know that I can have no pride in the humility this brings...but can rest in the comfort of being loved by a God who's glory is MAGNIFIED, somehow, in the filth of my life...is AMAZING. And this is what brings me to my knees. And this is the GOSPEL of Jesus Christ."
Amen.
The last blog post I wrote in March 2010 was an important one for me to get off my chest. I 'outed' myself in a lot of ways that terrified me, and it was cathartic to give myself the freedom to do that. While I was writing it I was supposed to be getting ready to carpool to a night of bowling with our young adults church group. Minutes after we needed to be walking out of the house my fingers were still madly flailing away at the keys trying to complete my thoughts. When I frantically hit send, knowing all that I had revealed that had been so long hidden, it felt like jumping off of a cliff. My heart was pounding and I was so nervous my mouth was pasty and dry and I was shaking a little. As we drove away from our house, I told my Husband that after confessing in the blog that I had snuck (stolen) snacks and food from friends' houses after school when I was young, I actually had a wave of paranoia that somehow now I would end up in jail over it! This fear stemmed from the power this shame and secrecy held over me even at that young age. I remember years where hearing a police siren sent adrenaline coursing through my veins as I was sure they were coming for me! I know now that this isn't the kind of behaviour that concerns police, but it concerns God. I also know now that what I was really robbing was my physical and emotional freedom and self-esteem.
After writing that post I received a lot of encouragement and also some spiritual attack. Many friends and aquaintances who read my blog responded so reassuirngly to me, telling me that they had experienced a similar struggle or knew someone who had - or just loving me and assuring me that I was safe sharing my feelings and they appreciated it. My Mom even called me to tell me she had read it and was so sorry that she hadn't known what I was going through, and wished she had been able to protect me. It was such a gift to hear these words, they brought healing to my heart. At the same time though, there is an enemy that seeks to destroy every good work in our lives and I definitely heard from him as well. I lost all motivation to continue writing, and even when I did try my thoughts felt muddled and unclear. I started feeling like I didn't have anything worth sharing, and people were judging me and would look down on me for revealing such a personal struggle. Over time the leading I had felt to share this journey faded, and eventually disappeared.
I am grateful that God has stirred this calling in my heart again. I do believe He has asked me to share this journey - if not for the benefit of anyone else, then just to allow me the therapy of working through it for myself and having a written record to refer back to when I forget how far I've come, and all that I've learned.
As I began to write this post tonight, I realized that a large reason this time passed so quickly for me is that within this last year I became pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy. My pregnancy was one of the greatest most obvious answers to prayer I have ever witnessed, and yet the story is one that I have only shared with a few close friends because it's also a story of some of my darkest most shameful sins that I do not feel I have the strength to face out loud. I have often suspected that God would ask me to share this story publicly, and tonight He has made it clear that it is time. This may be the most difficult thing I've ever had to write, but I am praying against the fear for I know the purpose of it is to testify of God's overwhelming goodness and grace, and the mercy we have been afforded through Jesus Christ.
In my early twenties, I had two abortions. I am tempted to get into long drawn out details here, but I feel my purpose would be to have room to describe these situations in a way that would paint a more understandable light on what I have done, and subdue the judgement I feel I deserve. But the utter reality is this: Sin is ugly, and the judgement we deserve is death. I am saved by Jesus, and only by God's grace I am forgiven. I struggle to this day with how God could forgive me, but I know He has. And I have no greater proof of that than the child who sleeps soundly beside me tonight. This is why I know He has asked me to share this story; So that you may know there is no ugliness in your life so terrible that Jesus Christ has not covered it with His own death. There is no realm of disobedience so shameful that God will not stand at the end of the driveway waiting for you to return home, repentant, to His loving arms.
When my Husband and I were dating, there was one night where I could sense that he wanted to tell me he loved me for the first time. I knew as soon as I met this man that I would marry him, and I felt a conviction that I could not let him take our relationship to that level without first being honest with him about my past. What I actually thought was that when I told him about the abortions he would not want to say he loved me, and I felt it only fair to give him a way out. Instead what happened was a divinely blessed moment between us. I confessed the shame of my past, and the relationships where first of all I had sinned, and second of all I had not been loved enough for a child to be wanted with me. The truth was that I have always longed for children, and would have welcomed them if I thought it was only up to me, even in these less than ideal circumstances. But both times felt forced into the decision because of a partner who was threatening and adament that it was not my choice as it was not only my child. Looking back, I wish I had known at that age what I know now, and felt the confidence to make the choice myself and not be pressured into doing something that I knew was wrong, and would have to live with for the rest of my life. But God has seen fit to use these dark spots in my life, and I have determined to let Him. And so it was, this night when I tearfully confessed my sins to my future-Husband, I did not find the rejection I anticipated, but instead heard of the similar devastation in his life, where twice he had a girlfriend abort a child of his without telling him - leaving us with eerily similar feelings from seeminly opposite situations. We had both lost children in a shameful way by someone elses decision, and now were both left with the ache and regret of the loss. It was a tragic and yet beautiful moment between us, one where I saw God already weaving grace into my shame...that He would use these matching scars to join us together and give us an understanding of eachother's deepest pain was beyond my comprehension of His mercy. But that is what He is teaching me; that His mercy is incomprehensible. In our greatest valiant effort we could never extend this kind of loving forgiveness to another, only by the power of Jesus Christ.
Fast forward two years from that night, to when my Husband and I had been married for six months. When we got married we made the decision not to use any birth control, and to trust God with giving us or not giving us children. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we knew that we would be honoured at any time God chose to bless us with them - especially because of the regret we both felt from our pasts. I had thought we would get pregnant very quickly, but as the months went by a fear began to grow that had been dormant for many years. "God, will you ever trust me with a life again?" "Jesus, can you forgive me?" "Will I ever be allowed to be a Mother, after what I've done?" In my soul I knew the punishment I deserved was even greater than this. One night while I was expressing my fears to my Husband, he said to me "I know, I understand," referring to the fact that he feels the same fears. I told him that I dont think he could understand exactly the same way though, because we were on different sides of the situation. Without meaning for his words to stab me the way they did, but just speaking in the matter of fact way he does, he said, "Well, I didn't KILL the babies...but..." His words pierced straight through my soul, and an anguish that I had been stifling for years ripped through my heart. I fell to the floor, and my body was racked with sobs...a primal howl that I could never recreate rose up out of my gut...I have never felt such suffocating grief. I needed to get as far from those words as I could. I pulled myself up and ran as far away in the house as I could...all the way down the hall into the farthest bedroom, grabbing frantically for my bible on the way, and through to the ensuite bathroom, slamming the door and slumping down on the floor in a heap of sheer devastation. I cried out to God on that floor...I wept for the babies I had not brought into the world, I sobbed my deepest apologies and regrets, and begged God to speak to me...to tell me how He felt about me now, and to tell me if I had lost the right to ever have a family of my own. With weak and trembling hands I picked up my bible and let it fall open on my lap. And the scripture God laid before me was so clear in response, it felt as though God reached His very hand down into that bathroom and held me, while speaking it to me Himself. The book was Ezekiel, and from chapter 36-37 God spoke every word straight to my heart. I don't have room to post both chapters, so please search it out yourself if you would like to see its entirety - but basically what it repeated over and over for 2 entire chapters is this: (This is God speaking to Israel, His chosen people, His child [me], some is quoted, some is paraphrased) .
The blessing and renewal of Israel (chapter 37)
"I am furious for the shame that has been brought upon you, you have been plundered and mocked, a desolate waste. Therefore this is my prophecy to you; I will cause your branches to shoot forth and bear fruit. I am for you, and I will turn to you, and you shall be tilled and sown. I will multiply men upon you, the cities shall be inhabited and the ruins rebuilt. They shall increase and bear young; I will make you inhabited as in former times, and do better for you than at your beginnings. Then you shall know that I am the LORD. Yes, I will cause men to walk on you, My people Israel; they shall take possession of you, and you shall be their inheritance; no more shall you bereave them of children.” Thus says the Lord GOD: “Because they say to you, ‘You devour men and bereave your nation of children,’ therefore you shall devour men no more, nor bereave your nation anymore,” says the Lord GOD. “Nor will I let you hear the taunts of the nations anymore, nor bear the reproach of the peoples anymore, nor shall you cause your nation to stumble anymore,” says the Lord God. I do not do this for your sake, but for My holy name’s sake, which you have profaned among the nations. And I will sanctify My great name, which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst; and the nations shall know that I am the LORD,” says the Lord GOD, “when I am hallowed in you before their eyes. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them. You shall be My people, and I will be your God. I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses.
The dry bones live (chapter 38)
This chapter tells a story of God prophesying over a valley of dry bones which have been slain, telling them to get up, as he breathes life into them, and live. It ends with "Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel. Then you shall know that I am the LORD, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves. I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the LORD, have spoken it and performed it,” says the LORD.”
I could never adequately explain all the meaning God laced these verses with for me. But most of all it just told me that God was pained for what I went through, that He could and had forgiven me and would give me the family I longed for one day. I praise you God for this miraculous answer to prayer!
One month later, a woman I work with told me that she had a dream that she was with me in my apartment, and there were doorways open to rooms, and on the doors were pictures of babies. When looking into these rooms though, there were no babies and the rooms were cold and dark. Her mother was there with us and kept saying to me 'You wouldn't put your baby in a cold dark room. It's time to get your room ready. Get your room ready." And in her dream, she realized what her mother meant was "You wouldnt' put your baby in a cold dark womb. It's time to get your womb ready. Get your womb ready." Obviously this meant a lot to me because of the vast emptiness I had caused my womb...cold and dark didnt begin to describe it. Immediately I realized God was telling me I had a part to play in preparing for the family He had promised, so I began taking prenatal vitamins and being careful about foods I ate and any medications I required. Two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant, and had in fact become pregnant on the exact night this woman had this dream. God had ensured that from the very moment our Son was conceived I was taking the very best care of him that I could. Oh what grace, it fills my eyes with tears just to type it. That after everything, God would not only answer my prayer, but answer it in such a beautifully undeniable way, that also shines of His eternal love for me...so undeserved, and yet so invincible. Thank you, Lord.
My son is now four months old, and his name means 'Given by God.' Not a day goes by that I don't hold his cheek to mine in prayer, thanking God for His redemption and neverending goodness. What a gift you are, my Son. You will never understand the way God used you to heal your Mommy's heart.
I'm sorry to anyone who reads this whom I have shared half of this story with but not the whole truth. Please forgive me, and know I didnt intend to decieve anyone, I just was not ready to face the emotion of having it out in the open. What an amazing God we serve that He can use anything, even our sin, to bring light to this world and glory to His name. Tonight I realized this: at it's core, abortion is just an attempt to hide our sin. So I will not continue trying to hide this sin for the sake of my own pride, especially at the expense of concealing God's mercy in my life.
"For while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." He knew it all, and He did it anyway. There is nothing in your life that can seperate you from God's love and mercy - turn to Jesus, He knows it all already.
Thank you and WOW to anyone who stayed with me this long. I pray that God will use this for His purposes. To end, I will repeat these words that I wrote months ago as the Lord prepared my heart to be willing to take this step of obedience: "The parts of my past that I could hide in secrecy and shame are the same stories where, when shared, God's mercy and radical grace are undeniably exclaimed. To know that I can have no pride in the humility this brings...but can rest in the comfort of being loved by a God who's glory is MAGNIFIED, somehow, in the filth of my life...is AMAZING. And this is what brings me to my knees. And this is the GOSPEL of Jesus Christ."
Amen.
Friday, March 19, 2010
I have an eating disorder.
In March 2009, while attempting to complete a fitness 'Bootcamp' program that I paid a hefty amount for and had been trying to stick to for the 3 months prior, I started to notice some things in myself that I have never really consciously acknowledged before. I was on such a strict meal plan with Bootcamp, and if I messed up in any way I would become completely dejected and I would get into this kind of 'haze', where I would develop some intense food craving and would obsess over it until I satisfied it. As with most cravings, it was always some kind of junk food that is no good for you. And I was never just satisfied to eat a little bit of something, I always needed extreme amounts of things. Also, I always needed to hide that what I was buying was for myself, and I would never eat it in front of people. When the craving was for sweets I would go to the store, walk down the chocolate bar aisle and act like I was buying a bunch for my family or friends. I would go so far as to pretend I was on my phone and I would be having this fake conversation about what chocolate bars were there and then saying "oh yep they have that...how many do you want? And what does so and so want..." so that I could buy 5 or 6, or sometimes more, and not look like a freak. Or worse, so it wouldn't be obvious that this is why I was fat. Sometimes I would buy a whole list of things - chocolate, ice cream, candies...I would just see all of these things that my craving was compelling me to buy, and even though a part of me would be screaming out inside because I knew I didn't want to be eating this way, I could never find a strong enough part of myself to actually stop myself. The fear of judgement was constantly fueling me. I would do the same if I went through a drive through - pretend to be on the phone and ordering for someone else, or say things that would make it sound like the food was not for me; "Oh I dont know what kind of sauce she wanted with that..." etc. I would eat well as long as I was in front of people, and I would only eat junk food if I was alone at home or in my car. If I was bringing something in from the car I would try to hide it in something. I've put Blizzards in my purse or tucked choclate bars up my sleeve. Even though most times I had bought way more than a person could comfortably eat, I would force myself to keep eating long after I felt sick from it. Once the craving was satisifed I was angry that I had given in to it, but then it became a punishment to make myself keep eating, hoping that I would feel so sick I would never do it again.
I have so many stories like this, going back years and years - I remember being little and eating dry cake mix right out of the box, while I hid in the corner of the kitchen. Or raiding the snack shelves of my friends houses after school or while I was babysitting, knowing that I was basically stealing people's food, but I didn't know how to control myself. The absurd thing is that though I can remember all of these things now and know how abnormal that behaviour was, it was honestly not until this year that I really realized I had a problem beyond just 'lack of will power' like most people complain about.
I had an eating disorder.
All the classic signs were there, but for a few reasons I had missed it. One reason is that as a society we are more familiar with anorexia and bulimia, and the characteristic waif-like bodies that make these disorders obvious. We are so familiar that we will even use the word 'anorexic' just to describe someone who is thin, and may not even have an eating disorder. The hardest part for me in acknowledging that I actually had an eating disorder was the fact that I thought anyone I ever had to tell would think, 'Well you're sure not doing a very good job of it,' because I'm not skinny.
The other reason it took so long to admit to myself is that one of the characteristics of an eating disorder is the absolute shame and secrecy it breeds. It so desperately wants to be kept secret that somehow I managed to even hide it from myself. I am honestly baffled that this has been going on for so many years and I never saw it as more than a weight problem and a sweet tooth.
That is the biggest reason I have felt compelled to share my experience. Because I have realized that the more light I shine into this dark place in my life, the more I can heal and stop hiding and suffocating in shame. There is a part of me that feels like most people have never really 'known' me because I have felt hidden behind my weight, and I have been reserved in life because of the guilt and shame I carry around, and always assume that I am being judged by others as harshly as I am judged by myself.
I have been going through an eating disorder counselling & nutritional program since September 2009, and have been learning and experiencing so much that I think needs to be shared...for myself; to break the influence of secrecy, and for others; to share the path of healing I'm on and hopefully give you courage to pursue the same, if you know a similar struggle.
I have learned that an eating disorder is much more than just a battle with food. This is a battle that has attacked my soul, my spirit, my physical health, my emotional health, my relationships, my self esteem, and most importantly my quality of life, my joy and my faith. This disorder steals and kills and destroys, and I have now come to see it for the evil that it is. With God's grace and the Holy Spirit I am being led out of the depths of this disease that has claimed much of my life up until now.
I would like to go back and fill you in on the experiences I have had so far, but bear with me - it may take a while to catch up to where I am now.
Thank you for coming with me on this journey :)
God bless <3
I have so many stories like this, going back years and years - I remember being little and eating dry cake mix right out of the box, while I hid in the corner of the kitchen. Or raiding the snack shelves of my friends houses after school or while I was babysitting, knowing that I was basically stealing people's food, but I didn't know how to control myself. The absurd thing is that though I can remember all of these things now and know how abnormal that behaviour was, it was honestly not until this year that I really realized I had a problem beyond just 'lack of will power' like most people complain about.
I had an eating disorder.
All the classic signs were there, but for a few reasons I had missed it. One reason is that as a society we are more familiar with anorexia and bulimia, and the characteristic waif-like bodies that make these disorders obvious. We are so familiar that we will even use the word 'anorexic' just to describe someone who is thin, and may not even have an eating disorder. The hardest part for me in acknowledging that I actually had an eating disorder was the fact that I thought anyone I ever had to tell would think, 'Well you're sure not doing a very good job of it,' because I'm not skinny.
The other reason it took so long to admit to myself is that one of the characteristics of an eating disorder is the absolute shame and secrecy it breeds. It so desperately wants to be kept secret that somehow I managed to even hide it from myself. I am honestly baffled that this has been going on for so many years and I never saw it as more than a weight problem and a sweet tooth.
That is the biggest reason I have felt compelled to share my experience. Because I have realized that the more light I shine into this dark place in my life, the more I can heal and stop hiding and suffocating in shame. There is a part of me that feels like most people have never really 'known' me because I have felt hidden behind my weight, and I have been reserved in life because of the guilt and shame I carry around, and always assume that I am being judged by others as harshly as I am judged by myself.
I have been going through an eating disorder counselling & nutritional program since September 2009, and have been learning and experiencing so much that I think needs to be shared...for myself; to break the influence of secrecy, and for others; to share the path of healing I'm on and hopefully give you courage to pursue the same, if you know a similar struggle.
I have learned that an eating disorder is much more than just a battle with food. This is a battle that has attacked my soul, my spirit, my physical health, my emotional health, my relationships, my self esteem, and most importantly my quality of life, my joy and my faith. This disorder steals and kills and destroys, and I have now come to see it for the evil that it is. With God's grace and the Holy Spirit I am being led out of the depths of this disease that has claimed much of my life up until now.
I would like to go back and fill you in on the experiences I have had so far, but bear with me - it may take a while to catch up to where I am now.
Thank you for coming with me on this journey :)
God bless <3
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A Single Step...
They say "The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." For the past month I have had a nagging feeling that God wanted me to begin sharing my story, past and present. I am not 100% sure what I am supposed to share, but I guess at some point I just have to sit down and start writing. So that's what I'm doing...taking that single step.
Since I was very young, 7 or 8 years old, I have 'struggled' with my weight. I was not actually overweight as a child, but some circumstances came about in my life that convinced me I was. I had some kind of fight with a friend at school and she and some other girls started calling me "fatso." I honestly don't remember if that happened one time or many, but it somehow cut me deeply enough to scar my self esteem, and from then on I believed I was obese and disgusting and needed to lose weight for people to like me. I had a grandmother who was overweight for most of my life, and I saw her attending Weight Watchers and losing weight, and I became convinced, at around 9 years old, that I needed to diet. I somehow talked my parents into taking me to Weight Watchers. I started becoming addicted to diets and fitness magazines and felt like I would never be happy and my life would never be good until I was thin. I never believed anyone who told me I was not fat and didn't have a problem. And over time, due to puberty and a depression that I suffered through in my teens, I actually did develop a weight problem, and that just made me feel all the more justifed, and all the more hopeless. I did not realize until recently that this weight problem is the result of the way I felt about myself, and not the other way around.
Obviously much has happened between then and now, but this story seems to be one that begins towards the end - now that I can look back at my life in the light of God's love. I lost and gained amounts of up to 60 pounds at a time. I moved to Australia and back, leaving me feeling like I had a strange sort of second life, but missed a couple years of my life here at home. I have been in and out of relationships, looking for love and acceptance though never offering those things to myself and never finding anyone capable of filling the voids I had developed. Though I am married now, to an incredible man who loves me truly and completely, there is still a healing needed deep in my own spirit, from years of hurting myself with my thoughts and beliefs. Woven in and throughout it all is the story of my soul's salvation - my love story with Jesus, and the undeniable ways He saved me then, and continues to save me now. But God doesn't just walk into our lives and magically make everything perfect. Instead, He walks in and asks us to follow Him so He can lead us out of our misery, along the path He has chosen for us, before we were even born. His path is the one that will heal our souls, no matter what our circumstances, because now we don't walk alone, and now it's not all hopeless. There is a reason, and a much greater purpose than just how things affect our own lives. I've heard it said that "We are but pencils in the hand of God, who wants to write a love letter to the world." So it's because of Him that I am on this journey, that I am healing and starting to put together the pieces of how I broke, and that I have decided to share it all with you...that maybe somehow He can heal you too, as we let His light shine into the darkness.
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