Just Love.

This was a Facebook status gone long, so I think it belongs here. I didn't think I had much to say but every once in a while when I allow the mouth of my heart (there is such a thing you know!) to open, stuff just starts flowing out uncontrollably and I realize God might have some stuff to say in and through me. At least I hope it's Him. I get embarrassed at how long-winded I can become, if that' a problem for you you should stop reading now. Get out while you still can! :) Someone I used to work with who didn't like me called me long-winded once and I have not yet been able to let go of the insecurity that gave me about speaking or writing my thoughts. But I try not to let it stifle me too much in case the Lord is trying to use me. I'm okay with being disliked for His sake! 

Moving on...

God is at work in my heart. Every day I am noticing more and more how my emotions are all bubbling to the surface. I notice it every time I tear up at a song, news story, church service or TV commercial, and how many times I've opened the fridge with some kind of craving then realized the hunger or emptiness I am feeling is not physical. It's in my heart. It feels broken right now but I know that's just His hand in there working on things. I don't mean broken in a sad way, I mean broken in a way that is expanding my capacity to see through God's eyes and care about what He cares about. To have compassion and concern for people in this world. Our families, friends, strangers...and even ourselves. A lot of my past has been coming up for me lately, it seems like every so often I have to review it again, hurt for it again, accept His grace and healing again, and then close it again. I am okay with this, knowing how it ends, but it is exhausting. It's been difficult being in a new place without the comfort of home and dearly loved friends. I'm feeling displaced and lonely, and find myself wondering what God wants to do with me here. The thing I keep feeling like He is revealing to me is this: Just love.

I am humbled by how deeply I am loved. By God, my Husband, and some others (not saying everyone loves me!) But I know I'm so undeserving and it makes me uncomfortable at times. Tonight my Husband, for some reason I can't remember, spent a really long time telling me all about why he loves me and who I am in his eyes. I love how some of his lovey dovey talk included (sorry babe I'm gonna have to try and paraphrase you here, but it's 1:39am and well...you can correct me tomorrow) but it was something like this "Even when you're being ridiculous or acting crazy or I don't like something you're saying and you make me furious (super sweet right? :), I know without a doubt that when you and I were born, God was already planning our marriage, and He already knew these things. And so because you're mine, the one He made and loves and chose out of this world for me, I love you. Even then. Because I choose to love you." I sometimes wonder if this man is actually an angel God sent to earth just to care for my heart. The way he sees me and loves me is hard for me to comprehend or even accept at times. Second only to the way he sees and loves God. 

So getting to my point, part of my emotional excavating lately has included realizing the burden of love that I carry. I am sometimes hesitant to show people how deeply I love them, because I think it will freak them out just like it freaks me out :) And also because of times when I have held out this kind of love and been hurt or rejected. I am not saying I am good at loving everyone because I'm not. But I do find very often God lets me see others through His eyes and the love I feel for them is almost overwhelming. Even some that are hardly more than strangers. I think this is weird, and I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo so I try to act normal instead of loving with the extravagance that I feel comes more naturally. But the truth is, the more I try to act like who I think I should be instead of who I am, the less normal and natural I am. God is calling me up to this extravagant love. I know He has given me a depth of affection and compassion for people and I have to let that be His to use through me. I can't keep deciding when it's appropriate to show and when it's not. Or who I should love and who I shouldn't. Or who will believe it's sincere, and who will think I am fake. Or, more importantly, who will love me back. It's His love to give, it's His love that changes me, and it's His love that will change the world. I realize too that as I freely love others, it becomes easier to freely love myself. Because I don't have to judge the version of me that I'm trying to invent...I just get to love the authentic me that God made. Longwindedness, extravagant loveyness and all :)