My maternity leave was set to end in March, and all year I had been praying and questioning what to do. I realize now that I knew in my heart all along that I could not return to work. I had a great job for 6 years, working for the City, but I had long struggled with the feeling that it was not what I was 'meant' to do. There was no purpose or passion in it for me. Just a paycheque. I had prayed often for God to lead me away into something else, but as many times as I tried to pursue other things I didn't ever feel Him allowing me to fully open the door, and most important to me is that I be doing what He has called me to. I bought a book years ago when I was so hoping God would bring a career change into my life. It's called, "If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Gotta Get Out Of The Boat!" LOVE IT! (Which by the way, I have an extra copy of...so if you are interested in reading it leave a comment below and one lucky person will get it for their very own!) I so wanted to be called out of my boat! But as hard as I tried to find something to step out into, to test the boundaries of my comfort zone, God did not Himself call me. So I stayed. Disappointedly.
And then I had my Son. And I realized that I had actually always known that this is in fact what I had been made for and always deeply wanted. I didn't need a different job, I needed to leave my job altogether! I wanted to be a Wife and Mommy, and spend my days and nights pouring my life, love and energy into the people God has blessed my life with. Feeding and caring for a man who is willing to spend his body working hard to provide the material needs of our family. Raising children to know God and love others, to value family and know how incredibly valuable they are IN our family. I spent months in hesitant prayer, knowing what I wanted to ask but afraid that my request was selfish. Afraid that I was being lazy by not wanting to go back to work, and just liked the idea of 'staying home.' One day while sitting in my rocking chair with my sleeping baby in my arms, I quietly asked God for HIS plan for me. I realized in that moment that I had to be completely willing to hear and obey even if God's will was not what I was hoping for. And I was. But God in His unending graciousness showed me that in fact, these desires of mine were those that He built into me. That it was not selfish to want to raise my children with my own hands, my own words, my own instruction, following His leadership. In fact, it was my responsibility. And that in actuality, working 8:30-4:30 with mandated breaks and lunches and time alone driving and getting dressed up, having adult company and many friends around every day and feeling the satisfaction of accomplishing so much in a day at work - those things were easier in a lot of ways than what I was doing at home. (I still remember the first time I was really sick while home with my Son, and realized there would be no 'sick day' for me, and no reinforcements to come to my rescue. Scary!) So feeling the peace of God's permission, I made the decision to resign from my job. I actually relished the feeling of knowing I was about to quit, and also the act of doing so - what liberation! FINALLY I got my chance to step out of the boat! It was a real eye opener to me how much I trusted in the security of that job. The regular filling of my bank account, the seniority, the vacation pay, the benefits, the pension. People thought I was absolutely crazy for leaving, and I LOVED that! I heard once that it's a sure sign you are following God when the world thinks you are being foolish. So I was overjoyed at the opportunity to be a fool for Jesus! I KNOW without a doubt that He is all the security I will ever need. I don't want to love the safe cozy boat. I want to love walking on water.
The crazy thing about water walking is that once you get over the fear of stepping out, God actually does meet you in your needs, and makes it all possible. Eventually you don't even know why you thought walking on water would be hard. It feels as solid as any other ground, because He holds you up. We were unsure of how we could manage this situation financially, and God led my Husband to a new job opportunity in his hometown, which he had been praying about for years. Though a big move for me, I understood that the decision I made would involve sacrifices, and truth be told I would sacrifice more. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time any more on work that is of no consequence. There are no menial tasks. It all matters. I love that my days are so REAL now, full of constant conversation with God as I depend on Him to help me do a good job loving and caring for my Husband and Son. And I am able to work on bringing my life into balance now, with faith and relationships and health... More on that later :)
Anyhow, I'm sort of out of things to say (for this post!) I probably would have said more at the time that I intended to write this because it felt like a HUGE and daunting decision to make at the time, but it all just feels so right now. It's no big deal, just the way things are meant to be (for us), and I thank God every day, multiple times a day, that He has given me this job in the world.
While trying to discern what to do about my job, my Husband and I were reading the book "Real Marriage" by Mark & Grace Driscoll and came accross this quote that encouraged me immensely.
"And if your wife is going to work outside the home when the children are small, you must account for all the costs financially and practically. Will all the increases costs for Mom working (another car, eating out, cell phone, day care, increased tax bracket etc.) really be worth it? Will the quality of child care anyone else provides rise to the level that comes from a godly mother in the daily life of her child(ren)? Would it be wiser to downsize your lifestyle than downsize the care of your child?"
To this my spirit cries out with a hearty - "YES!"
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